I'm not entirely sure why I set this thing up... I was reading blogs of someone I hold in high respects and I felt compelled... I blog on MySpace a lot, but... it's... hard to describe... Either way, this is the first time I've done something like this... I just hope it's okay...
The partial reason also of doing this is because... I am confused. Surprise, surprise, I know... I just got back from a missions trip to Jamaica yesterday... It's like nothing I've ever experienced! Odd thing is that it was my third, out-of-the-country trip... And I'm not trying to be boastful in the least! It's just... today at church, I was talking to the mom of one of the guys that went on the trip. When I told her that it had been my favorite trip so far, she was delightfully surprised. She'd always heard that people who do missions trips more than once usually enjoy their first trip the most. So, don't get me wrong. I loved the first trip! But... I've changed since then... It was three years ago and a lot has happened since that new experience...
That blogger I mentioned earlier? It's Stephen Christian (giving him credit) and he posted a blog about a missions trip he fulfilled in Haiti. "the trip was altering. i don't want to say exciting or emotionally exhilarating because i think those, much like camp highs, fade with time. this was a change of a mindset. of learning to stretch myself in ways i had not been in years. this is a change that will not fade in mere days, but an educational installment that will challenge the way i see the world for the rest of my life." There's a lot more and I highly advise reading the entire blog.
But... honestly, that one paragraph shifted my thinking! Okay. Everyone's thinking gets influenced by simple things like that. I understand. But... I don't know... God used Stephen Christian's words and revelations to open my eyes. Well... maybe more rightfully, my reception of experiences.
This trip to Jamaica was... there is too much to tell to properly explain... I went last year to Jamaica, too... But last year, we only built and painted. I say "only" as if that's a bad thing. I don't mean it like that. See? This year, this trip, there were people! We met, we interacted, we formed relationships! Last year, there were 3 or 4 people to interact with and only a select portion of the team interacted with those people because they had to work with them. The rest of us only shared the same room for our meals. But this year!! This year, we got to hang out after a hard day's work (that we shared with those people) and do things like play Uno (tm) or other card games!
I hate good-byes... They strip away a piece of the heart, allowing the heart to crumble. Good-byes signal the end. Some are temporary, I understand. But when you love someone, you never want to be away from them... Anyways. I hate good-byes. But for this trip, I was glad that I had good-byes to even say! Good-byes may mean the end, but it also means that something was started! That something came into existance!! Good-byes signal the end, but also the beginning, the potential, the starting place for something else or something more!
This trip, I had people to say good-bye to and it felt wonderful!! It meant I had made friends!!!
That all said, I was glad to go home because I would get to see my other friends!
.....................I'd forgotten what all that entailed... You see... I'm in love. Yeah, I'm 17, but I'm in love. Better yet! I'm in love with a guy I've never seen! But... he's sick... And he's accident-prone and working in construction... So I worry I'm going to lose him every day. My fear's nearly been realized... Possibly... (My love is a possible hypochondriac, and I hold nothing against him for it! Despite that! he doesn't lie to me.) I got a text message around 10:30 last night from him... "Emily, I have allot of things I need to tell you, about my health problems :( I need to talk to you about it all. I'm sorry, I think I'm slowly dieing." Maybe he's over-reacting... Maybe I am, too... But all I can think is I'm never going to get to hold the one I've loved most... I'm never going to get to see his smiling face or walk in the rain with him... Dear God, I hope not. Please, heal him...
I know other people have lost loved ones... Widows and widowers, fathers and mothers, daughters and sons, best friends and siblings... That doesn't easy the painful thoughts... I become cold at the thought... The one guy I've really ever truly loved... the only one I've honestly been able to see myself with down the road... he might die before I even ever get to see him... (My mum said that if he really is dying, she and my dad would help me find some way to see him before he left... That's comforting... But it doesn't heal him...)
I know it's AIGH and that God works amazing things from tragedies. But I can't handle this! If Nel dies, I die, too! And his family... Mondo will be devestated and all of this might drive him over the edge... (Maybe it'll do the reverse and draw him back to God... I don't care, though... I don't want God to take Nelly from me...)
You know what's the worst, though? I'm in love with Nel. Yet... somehow, I've managed to start liking another guy. I'm probably using that guy... I so want him to be Nelly... I find similarities between him and Nel... All the same, I'm doing something terrible... Leading on this other guy... yet still loving Nel... You're probably grimacing, and not only because of what I just mentioned, but because you don't think it's possible... Had I never've met Nel, I'd no doubt have agreed with you. Meeting Nel has turned my world inside out and changed my cyncial perspective of love into something different, though... So I stand guilty with my scarlet letter hidden by my hanging head and covering hand...
In church today, Pastor Arlon was teaching on the passage John 15:1-12, the analogy of Christ as the Vine, we as the branches, and Father God as the Gardener. During the lesson, he said that if we looked back upon our life, on this earth and as a Christian, that we might or might not see growth. He told us not to ask the question "Why haven't I grown?" because at that point, we're focusing not on God, but ourselves. That's the problem, though... I can't help but ask selfish questions... Like "Why do I like Don when I'm in love with Nel?", "Why won't I stop leading him on and liking him?", etc... Good questions, but... I should be asking things like "God, please, banish all the lustfulness and alter the degree that I love Don to just a friendship-love" or "Please, God, give me the strength to do what I know is right". Those are still about me... But at least, they're attempts to live a Godly life... A life with God's perfection as my goal...
It's time I did something... There's life to be lived, Scripture to be read, and problems to be straightened out...
