Thursday, October 7, 2010

Hey Guys. Long Time, No Post, eh?

Hey, guys. Sorry it's been so long.... Yeah. School's really intense right now. I'm really behind in one of my philosophy classes.

I've been really stressed lately (I'm good right now, though). Just having fallen behind and stuff. I am a slow reader and ALL of my classes are mainly reading based classes. (No, I didn't realize that when I was signing up for classes. Yes, I should have considered that before signing up. And yes, I plan to think about that for next semester.)

Well, I need to get to the homework due tomorrow.

Toodles, beautifuls.


Tuesday, September 21, 2010


Okay. Not much time to type because I SHOULD be doing my homework...

I just have to say:

I GOT MY ANBERLIN BOX FROM BEST BUY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's all I had to say. :D (Can you tell I'm excited??)


Wednesday, September 15, 2010


Well, hello, mates! I need to say that I love when you guys comment. I'm sorry if I've made it seem otherwise. :( But I really do love comments.

This is a comment-loving blog!!  

Anyway. So all comments are appreciated.

And I'm not the only one who thinks so! Emily has a post on her (honest and rather hysterical) blog Ramblings of a Lonely Girl that specifically talks about comments. (Hers was kind of an inspiration for this post, if you will.) And if you ever happen to be reading Daniel's (awesome and sometimes hilarious) blog Into Geek, I know he loves comments, too! He has a nifty little, boxy image saying "I don't hate comments." So! I'm the same. Promise! :D

And I don't bite. (Okay... Maybe when I foam at the mouth and start getting all weird and... Oh wait. That's all the time. >.>) ((Just kidding about the "mouth-foaming." XP))

Seriously, though. I love when you guys tell me how you feel. I could be your psycho-therapist or something. hahaha! Or I could just be someone you agree with. Or someone that you connect with through similarities. Or you could tell me your stance on something. I don't know. I try to respond to comments, but I don't know always know where the best place would be... Just tell me where to respond! (If it was like Facebook, I'd just tag you. But that'd be weird, huh?)

But really. Part of why I write is because I like the dialogue. :/ It makes me feel like my ideas and my life matter when people willingly follow me and comment on my thoughts. I want your comments to make you feel the same. I want you to feel like I actually care what you say (WHICH I DO, in case it sounds otherwise x.x).

So please? I'm asking with cherries (or a cherry--->) on top! :D

So yeah. I'm not gonna keep drawing out the point. Post comments. LOVE MEEEEEE!!! --->

hahaha. (I tried to make it look as goofy as possible so that it's the obviously not-serious whining... >.> Was I successful or is it an epic fail? (Post your opinion in the space below! I won't hold it against you, if you say fail. I will actually laugh and agree, probably! hahaha!))

Anyway. I need to get back to my homework...  Boo.... ¬¬ 

(Finally figured out how to do those eye-like things!)

Well, toodles, beautifuls!!!


Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Halo: Reach

Okay. So last night, I went with DJ to get the newest addition to the Halo saga: Halo: Reach. First of all, I need to say that DJ got a GREAT deal! Wal-mart (there's no GameStops anywhere close to here, unless you consider an hour's drive close...) was giving a $20 gift card with the purchase of the game! PLUS, your choice of a poster or a beanie! (We got both, but I'll detail that in a sec.)

Anyway. So we went to Wal-mart at about..... 11:10ish. (DJ needed to get gas, so we went that early.) Well, there wasn't exactly a way to pre-order the game for Wal-mart (our Wal-mart, at least). So that was a little confusing to see the line and not know where to go. We ended up getting doughnuts and eating them by his car. But a guy from my Japanese class was in Wal-mart to get a Halo: Reach game, too. So he just tagged along outside with us. (We offered him doughnuts, so don't go thinking DJ and I were rude just eating doughnuts in front of him.) XP

But then we went back in Wal-mart about 12:05AM to get the game. We found out that the line we had seen was the line we were supposed to be in. (And the line had been REALLY short considering this was a HALO game, we're talking about. I mean, there were no more than 30 or 40 people in line, and a lot of them were just tag-alongs (like myself) to friends who were actually buying the game. So it probably was technically less than 40 who were buying it. BUT Wal-mart was giving away free stuff (Doritos that you could try, and the BEST? The beanie and poster I mentioned earlier!!), plus purchasers of the game getting the $20 gift card. (That basically means DJ bought Halo: Reach for $40 at Wal-mart.) XD
The border is not the same, but the picture is. Just imagine the Halo: Reach logo in the upper right with "Limited Edition" underneath it. :P
Not the real beanie, obviously. I had to super-impose the logo over some beanie I found online. So yeah.

DJ begrudgingly let me have the poster. :D Since the guy from my Japanese class gave DJ the beanie he had gotten for buying the game, DJ let me have the poster he got for buying the game. I love my boyfriend. :3 (Did I mention that he bought me the doughnuts I wanted? Even after I said that he shouldn't since I can't pay him back? Yeah. I'm extremely loved (and spoiled... can't forget "spoiled" hahaha). ^_^)

Okay. Now, I've reached the point where, after some chatting by DJ's car with the guy from my class, we go back to school. Yeah. It's 12:40 at this point. (Poor DJ... He had wanted to get back to his place ASAP so he could play Halo, and I made him wait 20 minutes because of talking... I'm sorry, my love.) So we leave the Wal-mart parking lot and get to the school (which only took 2 minutes, tops). It was ONE O'CLOCK by the time we parked. 1 O'CLOCK!! Talk about BS... Ugh... Don't get me wrong. I love my choice of college. But I do NOT regret having no car! (Well, I do when I want to do something but that's not the point.) There's absolutely no parking unless you wait until the weekend for everyone to go home. (It's a suitcase campus where at least 60 or 65% of the students here either live off campus within a 50 mile radius, or have homes that are not too far for weekend travel.) Then you MIGHT be lucky enough to get a good parking spot...

But anyway. We got to DJ's apartment and I watched him play CO-OP campaign (on legendary (yes, I said "legendary;" that's how awesome at Halo he is :3 )) with the guy from my Japanese class. It was 2:20 by the time DJ and I got to sleep. haha Poor DJ. But I think he's glad that he got to play it, regardless the time, and regardless the fact that he had an 8:00AM class this morning. heehee.

Well, I'll cut it out with all this Halo talk. (I'm a dork. I know.) ;)

Toodles, beautifuls!!


Monday, September 13, 2010

Music: It's the Air that I Don't Breathe

I have to know: have you guys ever heard a part of a song (or maybe it was the whole piece) that you just feel filling you to the darkest parts?? I'm not talking about the lyrics, right now. (Lyrics have done that for me, too, but I'm meaning just the music, the swelling and falling and gliding of notes.)

There have been a number of times. I just feel like I have to move, to do something when I hear a piece like that. I don't remember all of the songs or parts of songs that have filled me as I described, and to be honest, sometimes the magic wears off. But the most newly discovered one is the synthesized (or that's what I was told is playing there) part (it begins at 30 seconds) for "Art of War" of Anberlin (there's that name again... I know...).

I just can't get over it! Every time, I can't help but think, "I need to learn that part!" or "I'd love to have that as a ringtone!!" (I can't because my phone carrier blocked all short code messages for text. -.- (Which, don't get me wrong, is understandable because my family doesn't want to be caught in another scam, but it's still annoying.)) It's so beautiful and... alive! I don't know. Just... you have to go listen to it. Period. I don't know what else to say. And if you don't like Anberlin, you don't have to listen to the whole song.

Just PLEASE listen to the part at 00:30 on "Art of War." The time may vary depending on where you listen to it. But that's generally what time it is. (Wait. I'll get a link for you guys to use.) "Art of War" For this one it actually starts around 00:32, but whatever.

Just listen to that part there and tell me what you feel (not think, feel) from that part. K? :D Thanks! haha. But really, I just can't get over that part. It's A-MA-ZING!!

Sorry this post wasn't more...... deep or whatever. But I don't know how to describe the feeling I have. (And I have a headache which makes the task more painful, literally...)

Toodles, beautifuls!!


Saturday, September 11, 2010

"I'm a Real Boy!" -Pinocchio

Okay. So I just got back from lunch and a short walk through the Soy Bean Festival. (Yes, there's a festival for soy beans... >.> What do you expect? It's a rural town....) :P Anyway. I went with Sally (my roomie) and her best friend Melody. It was fun!

As you guys know, I don't really do a lot with other females... Something I know I brought upon myself. But it was nice to do that. Like I've said before, Sally is all cupcakes and pink and the total opposite of me. But I feel endeared to her. (Is that the right word?) Whatever. But I really like her. I want to become really good friends with her. Maybe I'm self-deluding myself out of desperation.... (Not to make it sound like I'd never want to be friends with Sally!! I would! But I am just saying that I hope I'm not making it seem like she likes me more than she does... She might just tolerate me... :/ But!! I shall refuse to think so glumly. She at least likes me enough to want to get to know me! That is a start and that's where all friendships start, right??) Anyway. I just want a female friend that's like Sally where it's shopping and goofiness and partying (not like alcohol but like crazy dancing to songs no one else would dance to) and clothes and fashion and boys. I want to be a "real girl" of sorts.

I like myself, though. So it'd be something that I can meld into my personality but not let dominate who I am now. I don't know. I'm babbling.

Either way, I really had fun and am entirely grateful to Sally and Melody for letting me go along. :) (I sat and sorta just watched them eat which had to be uncomfortable for the lot of us at first... >.> hahaha) But I think I did much better about not being so....up-tight about my impression on them. I acted myself, granted slightly subdued. (But I didn't try being a different, thus not being up-tight. I was myself but I'm sick and it's one of those things where they've known each other for a while so stories are new to me but not them and stuff. So thus I say subdued. Kk?) :P

Well, I'm listening to Anberlin's Dark again. Surprised? :D Didn't think so. hahahaha!!! But I told DJ yesterday that "You Belong Here" should be the song he and I dance to at our wedding. Guess what his reaction was? D: A vigorous shake of the head.... He doesn't want to! I cry blasphemy. :'( They're my favorite band. How could he NOT want to dance to them?? T-T ... He says he'll be tired of them by then... >.> hahaha. Highly likely. But I still want Anberlin incorporated into my wedding somehow. Maybe I'll put some of their lyrics on invitations or something. :D Yeah! They're so apart of my life, I just feel like I want their inspiration touching such special days of mine. *shrug* Is that bad? :/

Oh oh! Guess what! Writing of DJ, he actually read some of my blog! :D That made me feel special! (He's not 100% fond of reading, which, I guess, for him, is understandable.) So yeah. I was happy when he told me that. He actually read the post where I "painted" the picture of me being sick. hahaha! So yeah. XD I felt special. ^_^ And I had to share that with you guys. You probably don't really care, but whatevs. ("Whatevs" is one of the only stupid words that I'll use... I refuse to say "L-O-L" and crap like that... So I slide with this goofy word.) :)

Well, I really oughta get to my homework so that I don't feel like I'm dying under a boat-load of work this week. :)

Toodles, beautifuls!!!!!!!!!


I want her outfit. Especially the boots, arm guards, and the top! Bad APPLES!
P.S. I need to tell you about yesterday! DJ and I went to see Resident Evil: Afterlife 3D and it was AWESOME as a 3D movie!!!! Which is REALLY saying something for me because I HATE 3D movies... 3D anything for that matter. I haven't seen the first ones all the way through except for the second or third one? I saw Extinction all the way through, for sure. But yeah. So I need to have a Resident Evil marathon with myself because I didn't know there were characters from the game in all of the movies. I thought it was just this new one. haha! So yeah. But it was really, really cool! And the things they made 3D were tastefully done, nothing really over the top like when 3D was the new big thing and everyone was like "3D ALL THE TIME!!!" That was just head-pounding and tacky. So yeah. I recommend seeing the movie when you can!! (They have Japanese in it to. So that made it even better.) ;)

Under the Weather
(I want those scarves!) :D
I'm currently still feeling a 
little down and out with this cold-thing....

Mum called me yesterday to check up on me. She said I have to see the nurse Monday if I'm not better by then. -.- So I bought the generic version of Tylenol "Day n' Night" where it's 12 pills for during the day and 12 for night. You're not supposed to take more than 2 pills ever 4 hours and definitely no more than 12 pills in 24 hours. Scary thought. But whatever. I also have some of those tasty Halls Breezers, berry-flavored. Mmm. :) Happiness for my throat and painful cough.

I hope to be getting better soon. :D
Right now I'm waiting to get in the shower. It was funny because I went to knock on the bathroom door and right as I did, the door on the other side opened and one of our suitemates went in to shower. hahaha. Talk about ironic. :)

Once I get out of the shower, I'm gonna eat the other half of my bagel, slathered in cream cheese, with the banana I brought out of the cafeteria. Yum yum! ^_^

Well, this is a short post. Just wanted something to do while I wait and to wish you guys a beautiful weekend! Have a beautiful weekend!


Friday, September 10, 2010


Have you ever had to do something that is pretty much pointless? Something that's meant for a more ideal situation? I'm sure you have.

And I have, too. More than once, but this is probably my least favorite pointless ideal item. The "roommate/suitemate" agreement form. Ugh... The point of it is to get roommates and suitemates to sit down and talk about different things: use of stuff, study times, sleep times, nap times, shower times, visitation times of same sex, visitation times of opposite sex, whether something is on or off during studying, homework, sleeping, etc, and a bunch of other crap... It's like "I don't go to bed the same time, I don't wake up at the same time, I don't always nap and it's never at the same time when I do, I shower at random times depending on my schedule, I socialize when I can, I listen to music almost always, I don't really much TV, I don't care who's over when or for how long, you can use my stuff but please let me know if you did or before you do, I don't care what's on or off while I'm sleeping or studying, and I'm not signing up for chores."

Yes. That was very bad grammar but I don't care. I mean, the running on of the form is about the same. So my sentence matches its pointlessness and running on-ness. Ugh...

And they threatened "disciplinary action!" I mean, come on. We're in college... I don't do well with threats. -.-

In less annoying news, I have sooooo much homework. Not necessarily right this moment but just in general. I don't know if I can handle it. x.x But I want to be able to. Call me stubborn and call me stupid. But I have a thing where if I got myself into the mess, I am getting myself out. Sure, I'll ask for help. And yes, I'll have a breakdown after a while. But whatever. I will survive. Period.

(I'm in a defiant mood.) :)

Umm... Oh. My cold or whatever it is? I think it's getting better. I mean, I'm still coughing, but it's the coughing that is trying to just get rid of all the gunk in the lungs and nastiness. I have been drinking sweetened green tea (because green tea is supposed to be healthier than black tea and it will hopefully help?). However, I've been eating Lucky Charms so that I could finish my milk off instead of wasting money. I love Lucky Charms. So I don't care that milk makes the phlegmy nastiness of someone worse when they're sick. :P

Right now, I'm kinda just writing to write. I don't really want to do the homework that I know I should... *sigh* Oh well. I'm gonna do Japanese. I at least like doing that. But first, I have to go talk to Dr. Brown about my philosophy paper topic. >.> We'll see how this goes...

Toodles, beautifuls!


P.S. I was just going to do one random photo and couldn't decide which won. So here's the other 2 I found. XD Awesome. hahaha!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Anberlin, Ill, and Classes

Can you see what it's a picture of? :)
 First off, I got my download for Anberlin's new album "Dark is the Way, Light is a Place" (Dark). (And don't worry. I paid for it. I'm annoyed that I didn't get a tangible album... (I love liner notes) But I still got my money's worth with these guys' work!) Anyway. It's awesome! I've been going between homework, blogging, and reading the lyrics online while listening to the song. (But right now, I'm just playing the songs over and over.) I already had "Impossible" and "Pray Tell" on my computer (also both legally and honestly claimed) and I had listened to "We Owe This to Ourselves" a number of times. So I already know those three songs, for the most part. As usual, the lyrics (from what I've heard and the little I've read) are just as brilliant, thought-provoking, and inspiring as always! The music is also just as fantastic! It bothers me that I'm sick because I can't sing along and the vocals are freaking phenomenal!! I'd post one of the songs for you guys to listen to, but 1) I don't know how, and 2) I don't know how to keep people from using what I post to get the song for free... (assuming that's possible from a blog). ((It'd be great if someone could tell me how I could post songs like I've seen/heard on other blogs...))

Back to Anberlin. I definitely think all of you need to give this album a listen. Anberlin has a thing where they like to give each album a theme. Not every song focuses on that album's particular theme, but most of them go with it. Blueprints for the Black Market (Blue) is Man v. the World. Never Take Friendship Personal (Friendship) is Man v. Man. Cities is about Man v. self. New Surrender is about a new start after hitting rock bottom. (All of this comes from Wikipedia. (And yes, I know that site's infamy, but it's also a great place to get information in one place. The information just has to be rechecked through other sources.)) So this album is said to be about love and life (which I read from some info from Stephen Christian). Again, I say, LISTEN TO THEM! I don't care which album. Actually, listen to a song from each of the albums! "Readyfuels" is the single from Blue. "Paperthin Hymn" is a great song from Friendship. "The Unwinding Cable Car" and "A Whisper & a Clamor" are both fantastic choices to listen to from Cities, but I also like "(*Fin)." And "Burn Out Brighter (Northern Lights)" is another wonderful song from the album New Surrender. So again, listen to any of those. And of course, you should listen to "We Owe This to Ourselves" from Stephen Christian's blog. Or you could just buy the whole new album! :D But each album is slightly (or more than slightly) different in sound, meaning, depth, etc. So, if you want the TRUE and FULL scope of Anberlin, listen to all of their works. ;) (But I understand that would take a lot of time...)
Okay. Enough about Anberlin, I guess... :( hahaha! Just teasing. I know I gush about them a lot. I'm sorry. That's how much I love them. Anyway. So I'm still sick right now. (As I mentioned earlier...) It was all nose-blowing Tuesday. Yesterday, I was just giving little half-hearted coughs... It's like something is stuck in my throat, but I can't cough hard enough (unless I force myself) to get rid of whatever it is... Today, I'm full-on coughing with gunk and everything. It's GROSS... I don't know whether this is a sign I'm getting better or worse, though... I felt like I had a really intense fever for a few hours Tuesday night, but then it subsided. So yesterday, I just had a little bit of a headache and a few sneezes and more coughs. But now, I'm coughing more... *shrug* I'm really not sure what to think. :(

Hopefully, I'm getting better? I've never been to the school nurse in my year that I've been here. It's kinda a pride and principle thing to not go to the nurse. I think she/he (not sure the gender) is free to students, but I'm afraid to take the chance... But I'm also afraid that I'm getting pneumonia (paranoid much?) and I don't want that progressing...

We'll see.
My classes are really good. I am a little (stress "little") more fluent in Japanese. I at least understand faster what my Sensei is saying when she speaks to me in 日本語 (that's kanji for "Japanese (language)"). I'm also really enjoying both of my philosophy classes. I get to think and share my own opinions and arguments. Same with English. I'm getting to be more creative with my thinking and stuff. (Still haven't written a paper yet, though... >.>) History is good, too. But I haven't been reading The Ramayana like I should have been... x.x I have a comprehensive test the 20th of this month. So I should probably get on that. hahaha!! But yeah. I really like my classes. Aaaand! I got the seminar speaker that I wanted, thank goodness. Hopefully, the paper for this guy will be easier, and I won't have to completely BS it. (I'm good at BSing. And I'm good at doing it in a way that isn't blatantly obvious. A skill that, while not the BEST, is at least helpful so that, as a worker, I'm always busy at a job, even if I'm not really sure I'm doing something that needs to be done right then. (I BS only if I have no idea what I should be doing or how exactly to go about doing something, like writing a paper about the chaos theory... >.>)) But yeah. I'm thinking this will be a good semester, too. :)

But I have to get a job. Thankfully, my mother gave me some leeway. I told her I didn't know if I could handle a job, plus school, plus lots of reading for homework (seeing as I can be a slow reader at times), plus a social life, plus clubs and karate... She said that I should still look, and if the prospective employer can't understand that I can only work for 10-15 hours a week, then I can just say, "Thanks. Have a good day," and then I can look elsewhere for a job. *shrug* We'll see. While being sick probably wouldn't be a good time to look for a job and give a good impression. :P But I have a place called the Asian Grill that is supposed to be hiring servers. Not sure if all the positions are filled yet, since I still haven't called, but that'll be one of my first calls when I get better. I also have to look in on departments here at school to see if they need a filer or typist or some other position filled. hahaha. Wish me luck! :D

Well, this is a REALLY long post. So I'll let you guys get on with your beautiful lives and let you free of having to read about my otherwise boring one. hahahaha!

xox to you all for being supportive of me!!


Tuesday, September 7, 2010

My Dorm, Mini Pepps, My Cat, and a Cold

What do these all have in common, you beautiful reader, may ask? Well, for starters, they're all in this post. Second, they're all something I have pictures of, except my cold. That's not a picture you'd want to see... >.>
Oh wait! I "painted" you guys a picture! hahahaha!

The red on the tip of my nose is from my having to blow my nose 100+ times a day... And I sneeze more than that. Yeah. I've been sick the last two days, today being worse than yesterday. It's annoying...

In other news, I'm in my second week of school. I really enjoy my classes, though they all pretty much have to do with lots of reading.... (I'm a slow reader, and that's my only snag with my classes thus far.) I'm kinda worried that I'm gonna be stressed out with trying to juggle classes, homework, my boyfriend, and friends. It'll be more likely if I have to get a job, too. Oh! AND I'm doing more clubs this year and trying to lose all the weight I gained this summer, too... T-T Anyway. Sally is really sweet. She and I get along really well, and the fact that she's outgoing is a complete relief because I don't have to do all the conversational effort. *whew!* She loves working out and I've met Nathan her boyfriend. (She and I need to set up a double date!) Umm... Oh! And I have window side of the dorm, whereas last year I had door side. Here's some pictures:

Bathroom door, vanity mirror, scarves, "kitchen" (which includes microwave, coffee pot, and fridge), and towels
My bed, posters, bed-side "table," and over-the-bed shelving unit with school books and binders
My Anberlin (♥♥♥) and Kingdom Hearts 2 posters ((Love, love, love!))
Closet door, window, my aloe vera plant (I forgot what I named it...), and the foot of my bed
My desk with my TV, laptop (Jiro), and a crap load of other stuff

My lovely dorm! I have a green and brown theme (tree shapes) with silver/gray accents. (Supposed to be silver accents, but I take gray if I can't get the item in silver.) Anyway. This is home sweet home and I love it!! (It's nice to be away from family....)

But I HATE being away from my baby!!! My kitty cat is all alone (not really...) at home.. I miss her so... :( Look how CUTE she is in this basket, as if saying, "I'm ready to go when you are. I'll just sleep here on the way there and while we live in Martin."

Isn't she the cutest?? (If you don't like cats, tough luck. :P)

But I bet you're wondering what the "mini pepps" are as mentioned in my title. Well, first, I need to explain what I do and how I found them. See, Martin doesn't really have much to do unless you have a car. (Thankfully, DJ does.) What it does have is fast food places, an expensive 6-screen theatre, and a Wal-mart. Yep. That's about it. Of course, there's all the stuff off Main Street, but those come and go and never stay open past 5PM (which is LAME)... Back to the Wal-mart part, though. DJ and I went there at least 5 times this past weekend. (I swear, there's nothing to do but go to Wal-mart, half the time... Especially on Labor Day weekend when everything is closed...) But DJ and I were looking at Lunchables and the other foods in that area, and guess what we saw! O.O

MINI PEPPERONIS! They were freaking adorable!!
I mean! Look at them! How cute are those?? I'd buy the bag just so I could eat them like that. :D
But they're expensive... As you can see by the price...

((And for those of you who'd disagree with me.... Imagine having only $40 in your bank account with no income... Now tell me if they're expensive or not. Or if they're at least necessary, which I think you'd agree, they're not... Which IS sad, I must add...)) :(

Anyhow. I need to go to bed. I keep blowing my nose while Sally's trying to sleep and it's disgusting, and at least while I'm sleeping, I won't feel bad for all the nauseating sounds I'm making... >.<

Toodles, beautiful!!!



I just found the "Stats" option in my Dashboard. It is SO FREAKING COOL!!!! And I feel absolutely stoked about my little 5 minutes of fame! hahaha! I know, I'm obsessed with being heard and known at least a little. It's probably very annoying.

But this section is SO COOL! I can't get over how cool it is! It shows from where I get visitors (the US, the UK, Japan, the Philippines, Russia, Norway, Finland, Italy, etc, etc.); it shows what OS they're using (Windows, Macintosh, etc.); it shows how often they've looked at my page, how many times different posts have been viewed, and at what times my post has been viewed; it shows what internet browser they're using (Firefox, Chrome, IE, Safari, etc.); and all of these can be shown by "now," "day," "week," "month," "year," and "all time."

HOW COOL IS THAT??? hahahaha!! (I still can't figure out if the US is a darker green because that's where I live, or if it's because that's the country I get the most views from. But if you look, you can see that Canada, Brazil, Greece, Italy, Russia, Japan, the UK, Finland, and some other countries are a light green: this means that those are countries from which I have some views.) XD Awesome, awesome, awesome!
Anyway. You guys should totally check it out if you are as interested in that stuff as I am! :D

The Beautiful: A Deeper Explanation for the Followers' Title

Hey, guys. It's been a long while since I posted. My apologies. I've been trying to figure out how to go about doing my 50th post (big number, in my opinion; I mean, that's half a century, that's "over the hill" in age, that's 5 decades, and so on). I have known what I want to do, just not how to write it.

I want to thank you all. You amazing eleven! :)

It certainly means a lot to me that you guys choose to follow me. You're very brave. hahaha But seriously, you guys give me a sense of confidence and joy knowing that my thoughts are being considered by people who, in the basest sense of the word, are strangers.

I'm dedicating this post to you guys because you all are beautiful, mentally, spiritually, and physically. (No, I've not seen you guys, but that doesn't change the fact that you guys are beautiful. Uniqueness is beauty, for those of you that doubt.)

(I'm afraid to sound creepy. So I'm sorry if I do... >.>) There's a certain.... relationship? Wait. Companionship. That's what I mean. Anyway. There's a certain companionship between bloggers. Even if you don't write any, you're sharing something with me and all the rest of the bloggers. And those of you who write, you share (obviously) something with all of us, too. And quite frankly, I think it's one of those things that aren't necessarily seen in other situations. I mean, of course, there's friendship in reality and other similar things. But blogging gives us a chance to bare our souls, if we so choose, and to view those souls, if we so choose. That's gotta count for something, right? :)

So thank you. All of you are amazing, beautiful, and part of my life even by a sliver. You take interest, even if you're an ocean or 2 away where you have your own problems and lives. So thank you, thank you, thank you very much. ^_^

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

"Trying to Prove Myself to my Friends?," Not Knowing What to Write, and Fear

I have to wonder if I talk about myself all the time because I am wanting to prove myself to my friends... I mean,... I honestly don't feel like I amount to much compared to them or in their eyes or both... I don't know... Maybe I talk about myself all the time because I don't want to be invisible... That really bothers me... I don't know why. Probably because since I was a little kid, the only sure thing that I knew my life would amount to was greatness. Not in the "hero of the day" or "NY Times Bestselling Author" or whatever kind of way. (Those would be nice, too, I'm sure.) But I knew, always, that I would make a difference or be doing something to change the world.

And right now, I'm not.

Heck. I don't even know what I want to do with my life after college. I don't even know 100% what I believe.

I just don't want to be forgotten... u.u

I've not had someone die around me... And I honestly think this affects how I view my mortality... I still have those teenage, naive instances where I'm invincible. But otherwise, I know I'm not going to last and that I could die at any time... But I also know my own thoughts. And after a time, pain fades and I barely remember what it was that made me hurt so badly....

And it's because of myself that I'm so scared to die without having done something great.

Superficial and pathetic, I know... But it's the truth. :/
Next part. I know I don't blog often. And when I do, it's like a burst fire from a gun. 3 or so shots at a time. I think I would blog more if I could remember what it was I wanted to write about 10 minutes, an hour, a day ago. But I get distracted by Facebook... >.>

Here's an example: today, I was driving to town and I got to thinking about when we took Kyle to school... Namely, I thought about my fear. Then, I thought about how I wanted to write about my fear (which I guess I can do in a third section). But originally, I thought I'd end up forgetting about what I wanted to say about fear and end up not posting anything about it.

Another example: this post that you're reading now? It's been a draft for a while. It was just a title and the first line that you read for this post. That's all it was for.... 2? weeks or so.

So you see. I need to learn to post less burst-fire, and more periodically. hahaha I'm sure you agree. :P
Fear. Fear is a white-hot, searing blindness of the mind. When you're terrified, you simply can't think of much else, if anything else, if at all. It's paralyzing and poisonous.

I wish I knew more about taking care of fear other than just "facing it." I wish I didn't have to deal with it...

I'm really just terrified of one thing. (I mean, I'm scared of other things, but I have a mind-blazing terror of this one thing.) Driving on the interstate. Except now it's gotten to the point where there have to be at least 2 factors to make that fear attack. It has to be 1) dark, 2) raining, 3) the driver of the vehicle I'm in is swerving (even slightly...), 4) there are massive downward slopes in the rain, 5) the speeds are above 75, 6) there's too much motion, i.e. there are a lot of bumps or the shocks suck, and 7) if there are semi-trucks/18-wheelers/Mack trucks/etc. around.

I'm sure there are a few more, but those are the main ones. If even 2 of those are together, I begin to just sit in absolute, high-strung horror. It's all thanks to my blow-out... Ever since that tire blew out (still not 100% sure what the cause of that happening was), I can't seem to enjoy driving as much. Of course, it's gotten better with more driving... But because I had totaled my Vibe along the way back to school after Christmas break, I had no access to a vehicle to drive on my own on the interstate and stuff. So my fear was allowed to fester quietly in the back of my mind until I would finally get to drive again and it would spring out in all its hideousness to attack my consciousness.

It hurts... Fear hurts. Apart from the physical exertion of it (racing heartbeat, high adrenaline, headaches from widely opened eyes and quick eye movements), it just hurts. A deep, psychological and emotional hurt.... A dull ache that makes you nauseous and fatigued, while also making your muscles quiver with the flight of the "flight or fight" response and your senses hyper-sensitive.

Fear tears you apart from the inside... And it's not a quick rending, either. It's a slow, agonizingly slow, deliberately slow, pulling apart... It's like a volcano building pressure until it pops. Except you don't "pop" as quickly as a volcano does. The fear just keeps building and building until your thoughts are whited-out with the fear, you whole body is responding only to the fear...

And you're supposed to face that fear to get it to go away... To repeat over and over whatever it was that first created the fear. Oi, oi...

However, I must admit. I'm making progress. I told myself I'd be all right driving on the interstate. I usually just think of the worst things that can happen. It's kinda a superstitious ritual that I need to end. *shrug* I'd like to think it's getting better. But now that I'm going back to school, I'll be back to being driven around everywhere. So I hope the fear doesn't come back in force, or redoubled+ force...

For my 48th Post... "Random List adjusted"

 I had to freaking mow today, too. I'm extraordinarily unhappy. My fingers are all sore, my palms are sore, and my arm hates me... But at least I get to do laundry finally. :)


P.S. I'm going to try to do something special for my 50th post! xox

Random List and The Beautiful That Grace My Otherwise Pointless Blog :)

Well, I did at least one thing on my "Random List" from my last post. I washed the pillows and dried them. Well, mostly dried them. I'm currently re-washing them, seeing as the 50 cents I spent to have them fully dried only did about 66% of the work... >.> But oh well. Let's see if I did anything else...
All right, then. Looks like I have one thing done (I'm not counting 13, of course.) Umm... Yeah. I didn't clean out the fridge because my mum came out to the living room at that point and I didn't want to do something that I knew she thought she had convinced me to do. (I'm too proud and stubborn to do like I'm asked right away.) 

Oh. And I need to add a "17) Mow what's left of yard." I HATE mowing the yard. All caps!! And it's partially because my parents don't even do it at all, typically! My mum did the back today. But she complained of heat exhaustion... I don't think all of it was real. I think a lot of it had to be just because she didn't want to be out there, so her mind made her body think it was worse than it was. Because she'd do something like that. DJ says we're not having a yard when we're older. I agree for the most part. I want just enough that our house isn't on the street, but whatever there is, I'M NOT MOWING. I'll gladly help along another person's landscaping business. If they can do that job willingly, they're welcome to do so. I'll show them my respect by paying them for their bravery and choice to tend yards. I intend to put a colorful sign out in my yard to let people know who I'm trusting to tend it.

Anyway. I'm extraordinarily tired.... I'm glad that I don't have much longer until school. I'm very ready to go sleep in a bed. I guess technically I could sleep on my bed now. But I have to wash the sheets after the not-so-clean pillows have been on them. So I that almost defeats the purpose of clearing off my bed. >.> *sigh* I'm complaining a lot. I'm sorry. I've been grumpy lately. Between being a girl and a lack of sleep... Not that those are excuses. I should be able to keep my temper. However, they're explanations for the shorter-ness of my temper. :/

Well, good night, I guess. Thanks for reading. I can't imagine many of you care enough to want to read my ramblings, but if you do, it means a lot. It makes me feel like people besides my boyfriend (whom I love) and my family (whom I do not like) care. (This excludes friends because I do not see nor talk to many often enough. Partially my fault. But I will leave it at that.) So thank you again. You guys are beautiful to me in the kind of way that a bond between bloggers (posters and readers) can cause. Thus, I have named you all "The Beautiful." Thank you, beautiful people, for your kindness and thoughtfulness (and perseverance, of course) for reading whatever it is I tap out.


Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Cross-eyed Can't Happen...

Okay. So I had an eye exam today so that we could get a new prescription of contacts and order me another half-year or year's worth of pairs. We went to a new eye doctor and they were extraordinarily nice, and the receptionist even laughed when I said ironic things and tried to be funny. (It's also nice to know I can make someone laugh on purpose instead of just being stupid and hoping I'm funny.)

Anyway... So we went through the procedure: paperwork, puff machine, "read the smallest line," "one or two... three or four...," and on. They did 2 things I really hate about seeing the eye doc. The puff machine and dilating of my pupils. x.x If you've had an eye exam, you probably know what I'm talking about. The one machine where you look at a green (that's what it's been for me all those times, at least) light and then wait with your eyelid flickering in anxious anticipation for the annoying puff of air. It doesn't hurt; it's just startling, and thus extraordinarily annoying. The dilation thing you probably also know if you've had at least one eye exam. They put some drops in your eyes, that dilate (or make larger) your pupil so that the doctor can see to the back of your eyes to make sure there's not anything like scars or something. There's honestly no problem with having your pupils dilated. It's just annoying. Like the puff machine.

I mean, I have an astigmatism in both my eyes. But it's a 3-step one in my left, meaning that I should have a certain kind of contact/glasses lens for my left eye while my right can have regular kinds. But because of my left eye's astigmatism, it can't focus on things close up. So I can't read text messages on my phone unless I hold my phone a foot and a half from my face. So again. Nothing painful (minus the headache I'm getting from increased light intake to my retina); it's just very annoying.

But my title? Because my eyes can't focus, I'm saying that I can't cross my eyes. I mean, if I hold my finger in front of my nose by 2 inches and it looks blurry but I know both my eyes are looking at my finger, I feel validated to say I can't cross my eyes. :P I know. I'm weird. (Maybe that's why I have such a small (but obviously wonderful! ^.^) audience. I scare people away. So thank you for not letting me scare you away.)

My headache is making me feel a little loopy. >.>

So I have.... about..... 2 days until I am back in Martin. 3 until I actually move into my dorm room. I'm really, really excited. But I'm also beginning to feel the crunch from not being 100% ready... Oi... I suck at time management... I have a number of things to do.

And I know those are a bunch of little things. But it's still a lot. Thus, I say, "Thundercats! Ho!!" Okay. That had nothing to do with it, whatsoever... Eh... whatever.


Saturday, August 21, 2010

About Me

All right. So I have this massive message typed out in my "About me" space. I'm proud of what I wrote, but I'm bored of it. Plus, it's a million miles long and I doubt newcomers care enough to read that much! haha! (I completely understand!)

So! I am posting it here because, at least, here, it will still exist, even if I've deleted it from other places, too. And it's pretty much a forever testament about myself, no matter how many years have passed. That oughta count for earning its keep somehow, right? :) Anyway. Here's my "about me" section.

Over the past six years, life has been a rather crazy coaster. Over the past four years, I have become less shy; much more self-confident; maybe even a little more proud of who I am (self-esteem); I have fallen in love, and out of love; gained maturity, rejected maturity; I have grown closer to God and then completely lost sight of Him so that I felt like an atheist; I have gained friends, lost friends, and regained some that I've lost; I've seen who I can be at my worst, what my potential for my best is, and I know that I don't ever have to be in either place alone (and am not!); I have felt so alone that death seemed the only way out, and then felt so loved that life seemed the only thing that mattered; I have felt utter hopelessness, complete vulnerability, absolute destitution; I have felt happiness beyond words, extraordinarily bursting with love, so enriched with hope that nothing seemed to bring me down; I have been across the globe without ever leaving my bedroom, and I have been no further than my own predicament in the same place; I have been me and I have been a shadow of someone or many someones; but through it all, I know who I am and I continue to find it out the more I grow, the more I learn, and the more I mature.

Konbannwa (Gah, My Roomaji spelling is dying... x.x)

Okay. So I pretty much failed at trying to spell "good evening" in roomaji of the Japanese language.... EDIT: It's "konbanwa." NOT good... Especially since I have my third semester of Japanese coming up and I....don't really remember a whole lot from my last 2 semesters. (The second one kinda went in one ear and out the other due to my mind being wrapped up in a major amount of unnecessary drama...) Sooo... I'm not looking forward to that because I truly respect my sensei and I think she is one of the best professors ever (right up there with Mrs. Peters). But by not remembering anything from the language that I'm going to be MINORING in, I feel like I've let her down. And I have (even if she doesn't know it yet) because you know why? I haven't been STUDYING! Oh my goodness, I'm a moron... But instead of, you know, actually getting up and at least trying to refresh my memory, I'm sitting here blogging (not too bad), reading (also not bad since I have to finish a fifth of this book and an entire other one after that by the 25th), watching TV (HORRIBLE on my part), and a number of other things that range from "necessary" to "understandable though not necessarily immediate" to "why the HECK did I just waste my time with that?" Peachy, eh?

Anyway. Apart from yet another problem I've caused myself (what can I say? I love a little challenge... *sarcasm*), I'm really getting extremely excited for school. It's only 6 days until noon on Friday. (That's the time and day I put down for when I'll be going with DJ to Martin. See: he has no idea what the plan is except that they're leaving Friday. So that means I have no idea what the plan is, which is a problem since it's not like I can just stay the night over there and have them wake me up an hour before we go so I can get ready. x.x) But I was hanging out with DJ this past evening, and since my brother had gone to the first football game of his last year in high school, my 'rents went out for the night. They must truly love me since they picked up a printer AND a lamp that I was needing for my dorm. At no cost to me? Possibly, which adds even more to the whole "gift" thing. (I'm grateful!! Don't get me wrong! I just hate being dependent upon my parents as a jobless 19 year old...) That was exciting for me, though.

One more thing before I go to bed: I recently put up a post (Beautiful reader: "Umm... you mean this last one? Well, duh, then..."  Crazed M: "Shush... None of your sass." :P ) mentioning that I'm thinking of starting an advice column blog. (A blog-umn! (I really have no idea why I like that fake word... >.<)) I have gotten a few (and highly appreciated!!!) responses saying that I should. ♥mily added some good advice about frequency of posts, which I will no doubt take to heart. I'm still looking for some more responses, just in case there is a good, sound argument stating in terms I cannot avoid or dismiss why I shouldn't. I mean, I could come up with the argument on my own, I'm sure. But I think my more hopeful side would add a little too much bias. (Sh, sh... It's okay, Negative-side. Her words can't hurt you.)*

Anywho. I guess that's it for now. I shall now relieve you of the insanity. (Hey wait! You're the one that kept reading... >.>) Off to bed (or in my current instance, "COUCH") I go for some light sleeping. :P Sweet dreams (or day dreams for those of you diurnal persons)!

A bow to the Beautiful as I say good night. ^.^


*I have officially gone off the deep-end on too little sleep. >.>

Friday, August 20, 2010

Umm... Advice Blog-umn? (Get It? "Blog-umn = Blog+Column?")

So, Beautiful... I've been umm... toying with this idea.... Maybe I've not been considering it as honestly and fully as I should... And this close to school where I may not have time? It might end up crashing and burning... But... Well, I'll tell you my idea first.

What do you think of me starting an advice column/blog thing? (The title gave it away, I bet.)

However, I'm being sincere in my inquiry... :/

I'm really nervous about the idea: afraid no one will take it seriously, afraid no one will read it, afraid no one will send in requests (that'd be the biggest problem!), afraid that I'll give someone the wrong advice.

I am not looking to take on problems of the world or politics or something. Just... well, I don't know. Relationship stuff or school stuff or just stuff like "My day sucks. Any thoughts?" type stuff.

I know you're probably thinking "The best thing is to just try it and see where it leads." I agree. Or at least, I can see where you'd be coming from.

Yet, that's where YOU beautiful readers come in: you could be my first takers.

Actually, there's a number of things that I'd need help with. Like: should it be weekly, bi-weekly, bi-weekly as in twice a week (the previous being once every other week), what should it be called, would I do different categories at different times (alternating between relationship and another topic or just doing one topic or what?), sending me questions about things, and I'm sure a few other things.

So the success of this little....endeavor of mine rests on the shoulders of such lovely people as yourselves. I guess there's some things I'm asking, then.

1) Should I do this?
2) Would you guys send in questions?
3) Would you read what I have to write about above-mentioned questions?
And 4) what would you suggest for the other questions (weekly, name, categories,...)?

I know. I'm probably adding more stress to my own shoulders when I should be focusing on school. In my defense, though, if I can make this work? It'll be something that I can put on my resume alongside my B.A. in English. It'll be experience (though not necessarily published) that I can say I have, if I can get a large enough following and enough interest in this idea.

So what do you guys, beautiful as you all are!, say? :D Just leave comments. They'd be GREATLY appreciated!

Have a beautiful day!


Random (and Maybe Awkward)

Hello, Beautiful people!

So a slight thing. I feel like I'm an insane blogger. Haha. I'm not periodical and the way I write jumps around. :P

Actually, it's coming to my attention that I probably truly am insane. >:D I mean, I mumble to myself and argue with myself and talk to myself, essentially. Also, I was (am?) convinced I wasn't (am not?) insane (which is usually a sign that one is insane). ;) hahaha!! And I could probably make a psycho-therapist question if I'm bi-polar. Plus, I psycho-analyze myself. *slight pause* ....... >.> Odd. I know. :P

The best part? I find it exciting! ^.^ heeheehee!! But the gynecologist? She prescribed Zoloft... >.> I say, "Whyyyy?" o.n It's supposed to be for the crazy PMSing I have. (That's when the psychologist questions if I'm bi-polar. heh) Sooooo.... I might be taking that medicine that is advertised by that cute little depressed blob while I'm at school. To wonder what will happen... hahaha
Ooh, ooh!! I found a picture on Google Images that I might have to start posting when/if I take the Zoloft (since I actually got the prescription filled (though by accident) today).

Bahahahaha!! It'll be awesome! XD

So Anberlin posted a chance to download another of their songs off their latest album Dark is the Way, Light is a Place called "Pray Tell." That was great! I listened to it (though in passing) and it's really awesome!! I get more and more excited about this album! Totally stoked!!!!

Okay. My mind is really scattered as of late. It might have something to do with the fact that I'm still sleeping on the couch. (That makes it.....what? 2 and a half weeks since I started sleeping here? So I'm not getting a lot of sleep lately. You know, I hear lack of sleep causes insanity to ensue. Hmmmm.... Coincidence? I think NOT! Hrm hrm... Yes. Quite. :P Anyway. So my mind is scatterbrained...

Like..... my gynecologist appointment last Tuesday? Yeah. That's when she prescribed the happy pills. :) Also! I got a test done and let me tell you: it sucks to be a girl. Don't get me wrong, there's no sex change in my future. I like being a girl. But sometimes? It REALLY sucks. x.x Anyway. Moving on. Sorry guys. Heh. But yeah. I had to get blood work done which I had done this past Monday. I had to fast for 8 hours before they drew my blood. I didn't eat for 14 or so. haha. Sonic, for the win. ;D But then I had a follow up gynecologist appointment this latest Tuesday and she prescribed me another thing: Yaz. Now, I've heard some stories about it, and I've seen those STUPID lawyer commercials about it, so I'm a little nervous. But eh... if all these female things get leveled out, I'm willing to take the chance for now. :P This semester of school'll be interesting with all these drugs! o.o ("All" as if I'm taking so many. *eyeroll*)

Anywho. Well, I have about 7 days. The plan for next Friday (not tomorrow Friday) is that I'll be riding with DJ to Martin, so that I can help him and his parents get him moved into his apartment room. I'm stoked! And then my parents are coming along later in the day with the Hoss loaded down with all my stuff so that I can move in Saturday. (My parents and I are staying at a motel Friday night.) I canNOT wait!!! DJ's gonna be busy all weekend with FYI (First Year Initiative), a thing for freshmen (who took the necessary class) to help get acclimated to the environment of college and particularly UTM. But that's okay. I'll get to hang out with Sally (once she moves in) which'll be great! :D

Oh my GOODNESS I'm so excited for next week!!!!!

Oh, oh! And? I working on getting a little prepared for college. I did a load of laundry (doing the rest next week) to start packing my stuff for school. It's kinda nerve-wracking because last year? I packed to be gone. I wanted nothing of my stuff left at my house (which was impossible anyway but I still tried...). So I had packed all the clothes I'd need for fall, winter, and spring. Not the best strategy when you only have so much luggage and dorm space. But this Saturday, I'm going with Ms. Sindy and my mum (and I'm not sure who else) to buy a microwave (almost an absolute necessary), a printer (ultimately easier if not cheaper, though I'd like it to be able to last me the next 4 or more years), and a shelf to put my wonderful (and STILL living) aloe vera plant on! Oh! And maybe some jeans! Hopefully, some jeans... So that'll be nice.

Well, umm.... I have no idea what else to type about. Umm... Yeah. This post is really long anyway. Sorry guys. >.> Thanks for sticking with my rambling!

Toodles, Beautiful!