Wednesday, June 30, 2010

A Glimpse into my Future

So a week ago (or whatever day my last post before these past two days was), I was blogging. I had seen my future in that day that I was posting. My faithful, loving cat Cali (pictured in the post below this one) was draped halfway across my lap, my laptop also on my lap, while I was contemplating and sharing my ideas.

It has always been an interest of mine to write when I'm older, though I never knew in what capacity. But now that I'm trying to blog more, I know that this is probably how I'll be writing.

There's a chance writing will somehow be part of my career. But for myself, I will most likely be blogging.

I've tried to keep up a paper journal, using ink and tears. (Some pages have words running together because of my tears having dropped on to the pages as I leaned over the notebook I was writing in.) However, I forget about my paper one more, or I just find it easier to type than write, or something like that. I'm not sure. So yeah. I think blogging is a little more successful (especially as of late) in how consistently I write. (But maybe I'm short-sighted, since this is only my second week of a more common strain of writing.)

Well, thanks for keeping up with me and my ramblings, by the way.


Books: The Conversation to Great Friendships with the Authors

Okay. First off, I'd like to start out with that I know you guys are probably like "Give it a rest already! 3 posts in one day??" Yes. I know. But I've a lot of thoughts lately and haven't remembered to put them down until today. Plus, I'm bored (and trying to avoid chores without asking to hang out with people). >.>

Plus! It'll probably be after midnight by the time I get this posted-posted, anyway. :-P

So my title. Yes. It's a new revelation of mine! And I can't help but think I'm right in my thinking. (Conceited much? Sorry...) But hear me out at least.

Okay. Right now I'm reading The Complete Original Illustrated Sherlock Holmes. It's over 600 pages of pure Sherlock Holmes, James Watson, and the tales so brilliantly concocted by none other than Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

It's funny, though. As I read more stories, the more and more I'm starting to be able to figure out how the mysteries have happened and who dunnit and all. (When I say "more and more," I'm meaning in very, very minute amounts...)
I have come to the conclusion, through reading these stories as well as others like The Dresden Files by Jim Butcher, that as one reads more of an author's works, the more one comes to know the system and method by which the author writes and contrives (is that the right word?).... contrives the story plots.

The same is to be said with a teacher/professor and how he or she makes up his or her tests. The more tests you take for a particular sensei, the more you are able to figure out what to study for and how to discover the correct answer (or the kind of answer they're looking for, if it's an essay or some similar written test).

Thus, my conjecture (another "large" word that I'm not 100% sure of the meaning on) is that even if it is only through the written language that we interact with another, we still learn more and more about them as if they are friends with whom we converse often in present, every day, face-to-face interaction.


*Contrives: –verb (used with object) plan with ingenuity; devise; invent: The author contrived a clever plot. bring about or effect by a plan, scheme, or the like; manage: He contrived to gain their votes. plot (evil, treachery, etc.).
–verb (used without object) form designs; plan. plot.
*Conjecture: –noun 1.the formation or expression of an opinion or theory without sufficient evidence for proof. opinion or theory so formed or expressed; guess; speculation.
3.Obsolete . the interpretation of signs or omens.
–verb (used with object) conclude or suppose from grounds or evidence insufficient to ensure reliability.
–verb (used without object) form conjectures.

Funny picture of me:
 Yes: that is my cat's tail across my face. Talk about awesome! :D

That's Cali Calico (whose tail is in the picture to the left) to the below. :3

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The Ideas are All Fine and Good; It's What You Do with Them That Counts...

I am a culprit of my title... I always have these fabulous (if I do say so myself) ideas; I just don't ever get them into action! Or worse yet, I don't have the necessary level of talent or skill to carry them out... >.> Talk about annoying... x.x

Anyhow. So, I've got some things on my mind. Though, at the moment, I can't quite remember what all I had in mind... Hmmm...

Oh! Well, one is that I would start editing a post I have already or add a new post each time of my ideas for my wedding. Yes, I realize that it's not a question about life or whatever. But I need a place of safekeeping for my ideas. And Lord knows I tend to lose notebooks... x.x

But about the creativity being good, but better in action? Yeah. I'm trying to co-write a novel with a guy from my college. It's rather reminiscent of LOTR in the way of the world and the peoples, but I've been given the opportunity to decide who the character is, by way of personality. I need to get cracking on that, though....


Oi! I remembered one thing I wanted to post about: A Clockwork Orange. I read the book this past spring semester because I'd been meaning to since my sophomore year of high school. (Since it was a banned book, however, no school district would have the book in the library anyhow. (And I didn't utilize the public libraries much in high school, either... >.> )) Anyway. So I finally read the book. And since I'd read the book, I decided to rent the movie, too. (I love Blockbuster, just so's ya know!)

Now, I know there are movies like The Lord of the Rings Trilogy and other such classics, but this has to be one of the most beautifully directed movies ever!! Which is hard to do when a lot of the scenes are highly inappropriate for audiences younger than 14 or 15 years of age. But I mean! The way the characters (or character really.... All but Alex are really only 2 dimensional...) are developed is astounding! And the setting? Spot on! Not the way I pictured it, but quite frankly, a lot of what was described, I didn't want to picture... (naked women and such). I need to rewatch the film, since it's been a number of months now. But again, I say it was the most beautifully directed movie I've seen! (And I don't notice that kind of stuff much, so you can know it's good when I notice it.)


Another book (or, I guess, story since there is more than one book...) is written by a Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Yes! The very one! Sherlock Holmes has the most humorous personality. Charming, yet brooding. Calculating, but a warm friend. Decisive, yet merciful. He has many faces (almost literally) and just as many adventures! And the companionship between Holmes and James Watson? Deep on a level that isn't quite conveyed through the senses, though it is quite frankly spoken of! If ever a man like Holmes lived, I would love to meet his acquaintance! (I have a book called The Complete Original Illustrated Sherlock Holmes and I got it solely for the reason of having seen the 2009 (or was it 2010?) movie with Robert Downey, Jr. and Jude Law. And if you see that as a shallow reason for picking something up, then sue me. -.-)


Another thing: (I know, this is so long. :-P) I cannot wait to go back to school. I am absolutely a nerd. But that's okay. :) I luff me some books! ^_^ I have all my text books for my classes next semester. Here's what I'm taking next semester: History of Ancient&Medieval Philosophy; Intro to Ethics; Honors Development of World Civilization; Honors British Literary Tradition; and Intermediate Japanese. Awesome, eh??

So yeah. I'm psyched about my classes. Not to mention my roommate! I had roomed with my high school best friend. Well,.... we're not compatible to live with each other.... Ever. Again. But my new roommate? Total sweetheart and she sounds like an amazing person! I can't wait to meet her. :D We've been messaging each other on Facebook. She's been skydiving recently! O.O I soooo want to go! And she has a boyfriend in the military (Army branch, I think...). She is a communications major. She's a junior in college. She has 3? siblings, I think.... 2 brothers and a sister? She loves the color pink and she loves cupcakes. Her favorite article of clothing is earrings, the bigger the better. :-P And she has a better sense of fashion than I do. haha! (She didn't tell me that, but one only has to compare the pictures.) Oh! And she loves taking pictures. That's a comparison of how many pictures between her and me. :D

Short and sweet? I'm stoked for this coming semester because of my classes, my roommate, and OH YEAH!! my amazing boyfriend who's going to my college, too! heehee! XD

Wedding Plans in the Works!

Okay. So I'm 19 now. Many will think that rather young to start planning a wedding, while others will think I'm behind on the whole thing! Either way, the point of this post is to start a list of ideas that I plan to put into use when I actually get married. I've found the guy; now to just get through college and get the money for the beautiful day. :)

Anyway. Right now, the list is rather small, and over time, I'll either update this post, or will post more ideas. The first idea is that I want to have my hair long again like in the picture to the right.

Long. :) With it long, I'll either have a half-up/half-down look, with curls and real flowers tucked into the lavish waves. Or I'll have it mostly up with some loopy curls hanging from the up-done do, also probably with real flowers. *Flowers are as yet undetermined.

The look would be along the lines of one of these...  (And since I'm brunette, (as seen in my prom picture) I'd be choosing the lighter colored flowers: white lilies, pale pink/white cherry blossoms, etc.

Another definite idea is that I want to marry under an arch and the arch will have branches of Japanese cherry blossoms attached. Real, living Japanese cherry blossoms. Because I have never smelled anything so fantastically intoxicating or delicious! Unfortunately, I can't really give a picture of what the arch would look like, but here's a picture of Japanese cherry blossoms.

Aren't they beautiful?? Anyway. That's what I've got so far. My dress? I'm hoping that my love (who is so handsomely pictured above with me) will be able to have his sister Bri design and make me a dress. But I would love to have it look almost like a waterfall. Embroidered designs (or SOME thing that will have a more concentrated effect) will be pooled around the neckline on the back of my dress around my shoulders or wherever. From there, the designs will trickle to my waist, where again, the designs will become more concentrated as if pooling right above my bum. Then to the train that will be maybe 2 feet? where again the designs will pool. The idea is that the designs will come to look like water falling from the top of my dress, collecting at my waist, then resting at the end of my train. Nifty, huh?? :D

Anyhow. That's what I've come up with so far! If you know me, then maybe you could give me some pointers! It's just for the look right now. So catering, cost, invites, etc., I've not thought about. I'm just thinking about the way everything will look. :-P

Well, that's it for now!


Monday, June 28, 2010

Christ Didn't Follow the World's Idea of Him: So Why Does Christianity Today?

What's happened to Christianity? Why's it all broad smiles and middle class perfection? Why's it so fake?...

I know... I sound like I don't believe in God... But that's not my point.

I mean, look at it all today. The real Christianity is in the poor, hidden churches of China or Africa... They may not get to believe openly, but at least they have more plushy love than we American Christians.... We're told to greet each other, and while many do, they just shake hands and head for the person they are friends with.

Don't get me wrong. Friends are fantastic! And it's great to have friends in church, too! But... just a hand shake for those who may need more support in a new environment?

And what about the whole "love your neighbor" thing? Why is it that there's as much division in Christianity as there are countries across the globe?... Aren't we all supposed to be one large Body of Christ? The preachers and pastors and priests and popes all talk about the Body... But... their words ring with the sense of more localized "Bodies"... One Presbyterian pastor might be talking about the Body of Christ, but his words convey him picturing only the church he is leading or maybe just the region where that church is. The preacher for a Church of Christ gathering might only think that the whole denomination of CoC is the Body, but even that is still too small.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe they do all think of a more catholic (and by this, I mean "universal") church, one that encompasses those little meetings tucked into dirty sewers under streets patrolled by "anti-Christian" groups and the Catholic gatherings in Rome and the mass hymn-singing groups in Nigeria and any and all in the United States.

Maybe they do think of all of those, and mean all of those, too.

It just doesn't feel that way.

Probably one of the best persons to ever be called to be a youth pastor (whom we'll call T) was removed as youth pastor at my church because a few of the elders or deacons or whatever didn't like him. Then, he lost his job as the worship leader for the same reason. What kind of "Christian love" is that?? And don't get me wrong: the new guy leading worship on Sunday's is great. But one of the reasons that the pastor and other church leaders gave to T was that T and his wife weren't involved enough in the community. Where is this new kid from? A city 45 minutes away! How in the world is he to be "involved enough in the community"??

That's a particular example that bothered me.

But it just seems that Christianity is becoming fake, plastic hypocrites that don't think about what they're telling everyone else to think, believe, do, whatever. They just say it, thinking that they already think, believe, do, whatever it is that they're telling everyone else. How delusional...

I myself am a hypocrite. But I at least admit it! That doesn't make me any better than the others so far as hypocrisy goes, but at least I'm a step closer to ending my hypocrisy!

I've actually taken to not saying anything. About Christ and Christianity and the Bible, at least. Unless I know it's the truth. And if I know it's the truth and that I do the opposite, I say up front that I don't do what I"m about to say, but that I know I should and am working to do so myself. But again, I try to not say anything, generally. (I don't feel qualified, for starters. Plus, I don't want to be a hypocrite.)

It's just..... I don't think a lot of the....... "Christians"/Christians/whatever really know that they're being hypocritical. Which is bad. I've known a number of non-Christians who scoff at Christianity solely because of the hypocritical persons.

And yes, yes. I know everyone is a hypocrite. But that's my point! There are people who openly admit that and they're the ones that non-Christians see as better examples of what all others are saying.

T says, "Preach, preach, preach; use words only if you have to." The unwitting hypocrites don't do that...

I don't know. Christianity, in the organized capacity!!, annoys me. What Christ has told us, what Christ has done for us, what Christ is doing and will do for us, what Christ is to us, none of that is annoying. It's beautiful and amazing and perfect and slew of other such words that can never be enough to describe how fantastic Christ and His life are!!

But Christianity, as it is known today, is not... It is man-made, synthetic, automatonic (though, that's not a word...).  I'm sorry for generalizations. I'm just so irritated and hurt by the whole idea that Christianity seems to have become. And that idea isn't what Christ put down for us in the Bible...


Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Philosophy: Well, If That Ain't the Death of Me....

So I absolutely am in love with philosophy. Okay. First off, I mean, the word! It just rolls off the tongue like a beautiful swell of music! Second, break down the word into its individual parts and their meanings: "philo" means 'love' and "sophy" means 'wisdom'. So together it means "love of wisdom." Now if that just isn't cool enough, then how's this. It's thinking! It's a search for what everything is or means or if it exists and why! I mean, how cool is that! Furthermore: you're allowed to have a DEBATE! How AWESOME!

Now, all that said, philosophy is one of my majors for college. (The other is English because I have to have something with "occ-u-paaa-tions." *eyeroll* Apparently, just doing something you love doesn't count for squat even anymore. How pathetically sad... But that's another post...) Anywho. So I have had 2 of the coolest professors (in their own unique ways) and the third coolest is my sensei for Japanese. The first two are philosophy professors, though.

Philosophy professors are humorous. Similar to the portrayal of brilliant physicists and other such scientists, these two are somewhat absent-minded. (Sadly, not enough for students to get away with no homework... But whatever.) However, the reason they're absent-minded is because they're always thinking about different aspects of the world. Whether we have souls, whether there is such thing as black and white for right and wrong, and a slew of other things that I don't feel like thinking up. ;-P

Speaking of thinking: I love thinking. Yes, I can be to lazy to want to think, like right now for philosophy thought topics. But when I'm not too lazy, I love daydreaming and planning half-baked futures and figuring out the puzzles of the world and the puzzles of people and the puzzles of my beliefs and the puzzles of me. I love thinking. My head hurts rather often it seems and maybe my thinking is why. I use my brain a lot. (I will say that I am more "book smart" than "street smart," though, so I may seem to have little common sense. I also don't tend to think before I act, which is bad.) ((I need to learn when it's better to just act as opposed to thinking and when it's better to think as opposed to acting... I get those mixed up far too often...)

The basis for my writing all of this is that I am beginning to listen to a lecture class from Yale that a professor posts online. It's about death, so the topic can be morbid, admittedly, but whatever. Philosophy is amazing and I want to listen to others opinions on things, even if I don't agree with them. (Yes, I don't do that well in a fight with someone... Which is why I am trying to work on that. And also, by listening to another's argument, one can figure out points for his/her own view that can counteract the other's point.)

Here's the link to a blog by Stephen Christian focused around this series of online-posted lectures. Death to Yale! (Philosophy)

Well, I love philosophy and I love thinking and I love hearing about other people's ideas on the world. Please share your ideas!


Sunday, June 20, 2010

Darkness and Light are Like Cookies n' Cream!

Why is it that when we see others, their darkness stands out more than their light? In reality, isn't it that we can see the light more vividly than we notice the dark? I've heard that if one was in utter darkness, a black plain, moon-less, star-less, the lack of light so thick that it's like black velvet pressed to the eyes, that even in that light-less night, a person can see a lit candle from a mile away. If that's true, why is it we can't see people in the same (excuse the pun) light?

I mean, if I look at someone who has broken my trust, I just see the broken trust and the possibility of that trust further broken. Or if another has committed a crime, I only see that crime.

Now, this isn't always true. It comes down to pain and the magnitude of the fault. But that's still a major part that I see... Love covers it. But the problem is getting to the point of love.

Yes, we're supposed to love each other, but because we're imperfect, we can't seem to The other has to prove him/herself "worthy" of it. :-/

I don't know. Just seems kinda sad that seeing someone, we see what's wrong faster than we see what's right....

If anyone can give me a hint as to why this happens, it'd be greatly appreciated.... Thanks.


It's Like the Decay Shouldn't Be....

So I was remembering the pastor's sermon from last week. He talked about how the reason (or one of them) that we fear growing old and dying is because we know that's not how God had meant for our existence to be. We weren't supposed to grow old, we weren't supposed to die. We weren't supposed to decay. We weren't supposed to leave. I read the blog of another blogger and she wrote about how when someone apologizes for another's loss or some other tragedy, instead of saying "thanks," she says "me too," expressing her agreement as to how essentially it's our fault that we grow old and die....

When God first made Adam, despite what He knew would happen, He wanted us to live forever and forever youthfully.

Now, this isn't to say that growing old is bad. Neither is death for that matter. I mean, think of it this way. Once we get to that point and beyond it, we know what's next. And because we know there's something afterward, we can boldly laugh in Death and Age's faces, saying that we have conquered them and that one day, neither shall ever hold more power than a baby gripping a feather as a weapon.

Again, though, about how neither of them is bad. Moreso age, true, since there's no painful loss (except maybe of the body's vitality, but that hardly counts as painful when compared to losing a loved one). Anyway. I will admit that I don't want to grow old. It also reeks of loneliness and forgotten-ness. But it doesn't have to be those. Take care of your body, realize just how much you care for it (without being lustfully obsessive about it), then you shall remain energetic and able. Even those with arthritis or worse make it on their own for as long as possible.

And it's annoying how media says age is ugly. Absolute LIES! Okay. It's not THE most attractive, what with uncontrollable flatulence and whatnot, it's still beautiful in its own way. Think of all the stories! To be honest, I'm not one for history in this stage of my life. But I will gladly listen to stories of the wars or the Depression or the 50s or the Roaring 20s if I could find someone to share them. I will gladly listen to stories of childhood loves, the defiant invincibility of adolescence and teen-hood, the struggles of maturity, the excitement of experience. I will gladly listen if only someone is there to tell me.

By doing that now, maybe I can one day have that happen for me. I have my own stories. I'd be fine to share them. :)

But back to the beauty: the physical aspect now. I like to imagine the wrinkles as road maps to people's lives. I mean, if there are laugh lines around their mouths, that means they've either had a good life or have taken their life well. Or both! The other lines tell similar stories, whilst not all will be cheerful, admittedly. Another way to look at the wrinkles is that, if the person is "uglier" than most, that means that person has had a rough life. But it ALSO means that he/she has had the will to push through to reach this "hideous" (by whose standards, anyhow?) age in life.

Beauty is seen in wisdom just as much as in symmetry. I've read a number of books where the "most beautiful" in the book had "wise eyes" or "eyes that had seen a lot" or something like that. In those saggy, weather-worn wrinkles with the dulled or piercing eyes peering from between the folds, there is a knowledge so deep and profound that, to some degree, even philosophers such as Kierkegaard and Plato didn't have (at least until they were older). One of the reasons that Socrates can be called the Father of Philosophy (in my opinion, it's a reason) is because he had age on his side. He was described as old. Well, it was his age that taught him he "knew nothing."

So, I close with this: beauty is in the mind just as much as the face. Death and old age shouldn't be feared because both will be conquered. Don't discard the old for youth because arrogance and ignorance reign more freely than in the later years. God didn't want us to grow old and die; so we will be returned to the "natural" way of things. But until that time, appreciate the older generations. While they may not know exactly how technicalities of the world are NOW, they definitely know what it was like before and can compare any successes or failures. (I say that because, while I definitely do NOT see eye to eye with my parents, I have to admit (just don't tell them I wrote this :-P hahaha) that they know what they're talking about a lot of the time. And if they don't, then they at least are a good place to go for an objective idea when I need it.)

All right. Well, I'm out for now. (Actually, I have another thought. But this one is long enough.) Toodles.


Thursday, June 17, 2010

Really Oughta Use This Thing More...

((Note: for the paraphrased (VERY paraphrased) form of all of this, go to the green block of enlarged, italicized words at the bottom of this post. But if you do read all of it, it means a grandiose amount and I can't help but thank you heartily!))

You know... I have been on a quest to figure out just who I am since the beginning of middle school. I didn't acknowledge this quest. Apparently, it was bestowed upon me unbeknownst (word?) to me.

Okay. So just about every kid finds middle school hell. (If you didn't, for any random passerby that'd be reading, please, share why so I can figure out where I went "wrong.") But I mean, half the time, the hell is only half acknowledged. No one wants to admit they're hurting. (I mean, why does it seem more often than not, anger takes over where hurt probably should have been?) Anyway. Elementary school is the time when everyone is friends. Yeah, sure, there's the cry of "ewww cooties!! run!" or "girls/boys rule; [opposite gender here] drools" blah blah. But at the end of the day, we all shared the same play ground and we all took life for the box of candy we believed it'd be for all of us. Then during the summer after 5th grade, friends become ex-friends, girls and guys suddenly start getting more attention from the opposite sex (and respond accordingly with cheap make-up and silly outfits, and puerile "flexes" (of whatever the boys think impress)), pimples pop up and the teasing's cranked up, gangly limbs and less flat chests cause awkward reactions, etc, whatever, blah blah.

6th grade equals (basically) one of those comedian roast shows that no one signed up for and no one expected. The best friend of a girl becomes the popular girl that never acknowledges the girl's presence. The best friend of a guy discovers sports. Splits happen that those kids from elementary school never thought possible. Then seventh and eighth grade blend with sixth because they all three are just wished to the past.

Well, high school. Simply? Jail. Jail for the mind. Jail for the heart. Jail for the faith. Jail for uniqueness and creativity. Okay. That doesn't describe every school. I'm sure there are a number of fabulously run high schools elsewhere in the country. (But honestly, high schools might be becoming obsolete... But that's a passing thought for another time.)

The jail school is the kind of school I went to. A lot of it has to do with how the place was run, yes. But I (now) eagerly admit that I am the cause for letting it so cage and break my spirit.

But it was just.... the courses. Rote recitation... More like regurgitation. Maybe that's why I'd always loved English and creative writing. It was freeing. That is, until I decided to take a creative writing class in high school. The teacher was awesome, had the right ideals, but had so much favoritism for other "better" writers that I felt inadequate and my talent (what I had) just.... sorta..... left... Or maybe it just died... I mean, it was worked really hard over the course of nine months. And when the nine months bore no fruition? (I was gonna put an analogy here but everything seemed WAAAAY too morbid...)

Annnnyyywaaay... The whole point of this is that I've gone to college for a year. The first half was AMAZING! I felt like I'd FINALLY found my niche! Like I'd found my calling.... But second semester sucked.

So through all of these years I've been looking for myself. I think I finally found a possible answer. For me, if no one else.

I've been trying to impress people since 6th grade. Even sooner but at least I was a little more genuine with what I was impressing people with. Since middle school, I've tried to be the "cool kid," the "artsy kid," the "band kid," the "scene/poetic/depressed/emo/whatever kid," the "funny kid," and the list goes on with only God knows what other things.

All of those, while all ingredients of me, none of them were solely me. I never realized it. And when I did, I didn't like that because, as much as I hate labels like "geek" and "jock" and "goth," I wanted one. Maybe it was the subconscious need for attention that undermines my conscious preference for the behind-the-scenes area. If it was that, then that means, having a label? A label would have put me on the social map. I'd have at least been known, even if scornfully by some group or another.

But I never admitted to wanting to please others. First, thing to solving a problem? Admitting there is one.

I was like "No! I hate stereotypes, blah blah! Anti-stereotypes! Die stereotypes! Grrr!" But what I was really doing was joining another stereotype. I wasn't doing things because they made me happy.

A shallow instance: say a kind of shoes was "in" (Converse for instance), I would go out of my way to not only avoid the shoes myself but to put the shoes down, as well as the wearers of the shoes, mocking them and whatever else. Horrible, eh?

Anyway. I realized around the start of my senior year that I need to just do things because I enjoy them. Wear the shoes I want to wear. (I love Vans but didn't find any, so now love the "treehugger" (no joke; it says that on my shoes!) shoes that are made completely from recycled materials.) Listen to the music I want. (Anberlin is my all-time favorite, though I will go periods of time without listening to them so that when I go back, they'll be fresh again.) Read the books I want. Eat whatever food I want. Worship God like I want. Hang with the people I want. Et cetera.

Kinda the "I do what I want" slogan, but with a less defiant and more modest approach.

Basically: my answer (one of them) is to do what makes me happy. But NOT in that "screw everyone else" kinda way. Just the "my style, my people, my love, my faith, my life" approach where I do what I can to take care of others but don't sacrifice myself mind, body, and even soul in the process.

You know what I also figured out recently? I wholly (or mostly wholly) define myself by my mistakes and failings. I don't know how to give an example for that, unfortunately... It's just one of those things... I'm always apologizing... Always. "Sorry I was late," "sorry I missed your call," "sorry I didn't get to go," "sorry I asked," "sorry I exist..." Okay. That last one I don't say, but I mean, I might as well, right? If I'm going to apologize for basically everything I do, making sure to never step on toes, I should just go ahead and apologize for existing. Like so many others have done before me, I'm sure, I'll quote Anberlin and say "there's more to living than being alive." Well, that said, doesn't that mean that my mistakes are automatically included in the "living" part? I mean, what human being has ever gotten through life without a scratch, physically or metaphorically? As kids, races down steep inclines on our bikes held no fear of wiping out. Thus skinned knees.

I gotta wonder.... Does fear take a stronger hold when we're younger or older? I mean, when we're younger, the Boogey Man still lives in our closets, under our beds, outside our windows, whatever. When we're younger, 20 is forever away, and forever away is "old." But when we're older, we fear other things. Death is a big one.

But back to my defining myself by my mistakes. I still don't have an example, although it's been 15 minutes since I wrote that first mention of how I define myself. Well, here's one... MAYBE. But I was hanging out with a friend I hadn't seen in a year or more, and she asked if I like Glee. I shrugged, saying I liked the actors' singing but wasn't fond of the drama. She just shrugged it off, saying she had thought of Glee as a show I'd like. What was my gut reaction? Guilt!! I mean, what in the WORLD?? Who feels guilty for something like that?? Me, apparently....

Right now, I'm working on not putting myself down (so much, at first, to break the habit, then at all eventually, hopefully). I'm also trying to be logical about what I react to. I mean, reacting to a slight snappish remark? Come on... That's dumb. Not to say I want to be an automaton that directs how my emotions go, just that I want to work on my... emotional paranoia? (Not sure how else to put it.) Oh! And work on my temper.

Whew! Umm... Poor, dear reader. I'm sorry. I'm sure, if you've made it down this far, you feel like you've just been whipped around the world on a twisty roller coaster... I'm sorry. My mind has been scattered lately. (Actually, I think that's just how I write in general... *ahem*) There I go again, apologizing for being me.

So summed up? I've been searching for myself for almost 10 years now. Still haven't found a WHOLE lot, but I'm finding things. One thing is that I need to do what makes me happy while also trying to be a friend to everyone and never putting myself over others. (I will say the exception of when it comes to my sanity... And I know that sounds like a joke, but it's not...) And also, I want to stop drawing myself up with all my flaws as the major edges and outlines that are instantly viewable. I want to be me which includes the goodness, too.

All right. Hope you're eyes aren't dripping from your head from having read so much. :-P Thanks for sticking with me.