Wednesday, August 25, 2010

"Trying to Prove Myself to my Friends?," Not Knowing What to Write, and Fear

I have to wonder if I talk about myself all the time because I am wanting to prove myself to my friends... I mean,... I honestly don't feel like I amount to much compared to them or in their eyes or both... I don't know... Maybe I talk about myself all the time because I don't want to be invisible... That really bothers me... I don't know why. Probably because since I was a little kid, the only sure thing that I knew my life would amount to was greatness. Not in the "hero of the day" or "NY Times Bestselling Author" or whatever kind of way. (Those would be nice, too, I'm sure.) But I knew, always, that I would make a difference or be doing something to change the world.

And right now, I'm not.

Heck. I don't even know what I want to do with my life after college. I don't even know 100% what I believe.

I just don't want to be forgotten... u.u

I've not had someone die around me... And I honestly think this affects how I view my mortality... I still have those teenage, naive instances where I'm invincible. But otherwise, I know I'm not going to last and that I could die at any time... But I also know my own thoughts. And after a time, pain fades and I barely remember what it was that made me hurt so badly....

And it's because of myself that I'm so scared to die without having done something great.

Superficial and pathetic, I know... But it's the truth. :/
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Next part. I know I don't blog often. And when I do, it's like a burst fire from a gun. 3 or so shots at a time. I think I would blog more if I could remember what it was I wanted to write about 10 minutes, an hour, a day ago. But I get distracted by Facebook... >.>

Here's an example: today, I was driving to town and I got to thinking about when we took Kyle to school... Namely, I thought about my fear. Then, I thought about how I wanted to write about my fear (which I guess I can do in a third section). But originally, I thought I'd end up forgetting about what I wanted to say about fear and end up not posting anything about it.

Another example: this post that you're reading now? It's been a draft for a while. It was just a title and the first line that you read for this post. That's all it was for.... 2? weeks or so.

So you see. I need to learn to post less burst-fire, and more periodically. hahaha I'm sure you agree. :P
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Fear. Fear is a white-hot, searing blindness of the mind. When you're terrified, you simply can't think of much else, if anything else, if at all. It's paralyzing and poisonous.

I wish I knew more about taking care of fear other than just "facing it." I wish I didn't have to deal with it...

I'm really just terrified of one thing. (I mean, I'm scared of other things, but I have a mind-blazing terror of this one thing.) Driving on the interstate. Except now it's gotten to the point where there have to be at least 2 factors to make that fear attack. It has to be 1) dark, 2) raining, 3) the driver of the vehicle I'm in is swerving (even slightly...), 4) there are massive downward slopes in the rain, 5) the speeds are above 75, 6) there's too much motion, i.e. there are a lot of bumps or the shocks suck, and 7) if there are semi-trucks/18-wheelers/Mack trucks/etc. around.

I'm sure there are a few more, but those are the main ones. If even 2 of those are together, I begin to just sit in absolute, high-strung horror. It's all thanks to my blow-out... Ever since that tire blew out (still not 100% sure what the cause of that happening was), I can't seem to enjoy driving as much. Of course, it's gotten better with more driving... But because I had totaled my Vibe along the way back to school after Christmas break, I had no access to a vehicle to drive on my own on the interstate and stuff. So my fear was allowed to fester quietly in the back of my mind until I would finally get to drive again and it would spring out in all its hideousness to attack my consciousness.

It hurts... Fear hurts. Apart from the physical exertion of it (racing heartbeat, high adrenaline, headaches from widely opened eyes and quick eye movements), it just hurts. A deep, psychological and emotional hurt.... A dull ache that makes you nauseous and fatigued, while also making your muscles quiver with the flight of the "flight or fight" response and your senses hyper-sensitive.

Fear tears you apart from the inside... And it's not a quick rending, either. It's a slow, agonizingly slow, deliberately slow, pulling apart... It's like a volcano building pressure until it pops. Except you don't "pop" as quickly as a volcano does. The fear just keeps building and building until your thoughts are whited-out with the fear, you whole body is responding only to the fear...

And you're supposed to face that fear to get it to go away... To repeat over and over whatever it was that first created the fear. Oi, oi...

However, I must admit. I'm making progress. I told myself I'd be all right driving on the interstate. I usually just think of the worst things that can happen. It's kinda a superstitious ritual that I need to end. *shrug* I'd like to think it's getting better. But now that I'm going back to school, I'll be back to being driven around everywhere. So I hope the fear doesn't come back in force, or redoubled+ force...

1 comment:

KellyCan'tBehave. said...

I can totally relate to this. I hate the feeling that I'm becoming invisible, or that it could happen. A fear a lot of things all of the time.. I was born a worrier. Paranoia invades my life too much for my liking!! I enjoy reading your posts, I'll comment more (: I've got facebook too, the distraction takes all my time away from blogging lately haha. Add me on it if you want hun :) I'm under Kelly Milligan with Brunel underneath in brackets xo