Sunday, August 8, 2010

Invisibility is My *Not*-So-Superpower

I have a real problem with being ignored... It's just a major fact...

And when I feel like I'm being ignored, I get angry, depressed, and confused.

Anger: how dare they ignore me?
Depressed: I'm ignorable...
Confused: why are they ignoring me?

I feel invisible...

It happens a lot... I'll say something, and then someone will say the exact same thing, but the second person gets the credit because they were actually heard. I don't know... Others and I myself have speculated that my voice pitch is probably just in that range where most people can't hear as easily. (Which I find odd because to me, I sound deep-ish for a girl, while at other times, I'm high-pitched...)

I'm constantly repeating myself... I have a short-temper. So then, when I'm having to say the same thing over 3 times, I get irritated and end up shouting the last time... Horrible, I know....

I don't want to feel insignificant. I don't want to feel like I'm not worth people's time.

Maybe that's why I'm so jealous of my brother (shhh!). He's a socialite and has a bunch of friends. See. My dad used to have a competition between my brother and me to see who could have the most texts by the end of the month. My brother's been blowing me out of the water... x.x Like this month? I have a little over 3,000. My brother? Over 10,000. O.O

He has so many friends that he talks to. And he is always going to hang out with friends (not the same ones in a consecutive three days, too!) throughout the week.

I'm glad for my brother. I think that's awesome.

But I wish that I had been more outgoing when I was younger. I still have a chance, but that's not me. I'm not a group person.

Contradictions much? I know...

I just don't want to be invisible... (The funny thing? I used to want invisibility for a superpower, saying that'd be the best!!) At least with that as a superpower, I could control when I'm invisible, I can choose when I want to be ignored...

I don't know... And apparently? We as Christians are supposed to recognize that we're wholly insignificant. We amount to NOTHING. And while I've always heard that, I never actually took it to heart... It was just, "Yeah, God is the most significant." But because He was "most" significant, that left me room to be at least a little significant.

I'm not even allowed to think THAT!...

I don't know what to do. I don't want to have to feel worthless (despite what God says...). I just don't... I know God says I'm a child of His, so that'd make me automatically worth-full... But to have to think that I'm not allowed to accept that.

I'm so confused right now...

*M

1 comment:

♥mily said...

I am constantly ignored. I try to talk to my family and then they just ignore me so i just stop talking to them and then i get yelled at for not joining in their conversations. when there is really no point because my sister never shuts up so it is impossible for me to get a word in edge-wise.

what does "get a word in edge-wise" even mean anyway?