Friday, August 6, 2010

Just Sleeping...

Source: http://www.ticor.be/index.php?showimage=129
You know, I've not had a lot of experience with death. (And I apologize for the morbidity of the topic... But I was just contemplating...)

Anyway. I've really not. And I guess that's a blessing but to me it's not. Because I haven't really felt that affected... Or maybe it's just my mind putting up a barrier to the real pain. Except now there is no "real pain" because I never experienced it and have only ever known the barrier... Does that make sense?

I don't know... It's just... well, those that have died have not been close. For THAT I am VERY thankful. I break down crying, thinking what life without DJ would be like, he suddenly not being there...

But when I was younger, one of our cats ran away. She was deaf, so we obviously couldn't call her home. And I realize she didn't die in the sense that death is to us. I mean, she wasn't around for me to see pass away...

Then, my cousin died. But I wasn't all that close to my cousin because he wasn't "mentally whole" and was basically an infant trapped in a 19 year old's body. So when he died, I only felt a slight weight because of the pain of others. But I was uncomfortable with that and just wanted to run off so I didn't have to feel not only their pain but my guilt of not empathizing their pain...
 
My mum's mum died, too... Again... I wasn't all that close with my grandma... Living 2 states away for most of my life and 4 or 5 states away the rest of it, I never saw much of her, and I was too young (maturity-wise, if not in age) to take the idea that I should cherish age... So I wasn't very close to her, either, and thus was only suffering under my guilt of being unable to cry for my grandma...

Another pet died, too... Sunshine, our dog, had a massive tumor on one of her forelegs, and so we put her down so that she wouldn't have to suffer. But we weren't even there to be the ones to love her until the end... We had a pre-planned trip for my dad's mum's birthday or some other similar occasion... So when we got back, Sunshine was simply just gone.
 
Like my cat, Abby. Like my cousin, like my mum's mum...

There have been others who have passed on during my life, but none very close to me. I don't want that to change; I know it will, but I don't want to know that experience yet.

But all of my life, the deaths have happened away from me. In Tennessee when my grandma and cousin died; in Oklahoma when my dog died; in my house while Abby was out in the wilderness for only God knows how long when she died. My friend's mum was just gone; the boy my mum cared for at school was just gone; all...just gone... Like smoke in the wind. And I wasn't even there to watch it dissipate.

You probably think I'm insane.... As if I'm mourning the fact I've not been around death except for when the person simply seemed to be sleeping in a wooden, silk-lined box. I swear I'm not mourning... If nothing else, and I sound like a horrible person instead of an insane one now, I am.... confused? intrigued? whatever... about the fact that I have never experienced death first-hand, never been around for it to happen, to watch the life leave the loved one.

So weird to me...

God, I hope it doesn't happen to me any time soon... And all I can say is "I'm sorry" to those that it has happened to... I will gladly be here for someone if they need a shoulder, ear, arm, love, whatever. But I don't want to be able to empathize with them yet... Not yet...

Maybe the fact that this plagues me so much allows me to focus on just living and being with the person(s), breathing them in so that they're apart of me even if they're...just gone...the next day... Just like black brings out the white, so death brings out the life. Right?

Well, I'll stop with this stark and unhappy topic. I hope I have not made anyone hate me or think I'm a horrible person... I mean, it's probably true that I am, but... I like my ignorance... :/

*M

1 comment:

The Adopted Anyone said...

Unfortunately, or fortunately, I can't really say which, I have had quite a bit of death. When I was younger, I went to alot of funerals with my grandmother. Distant relatives, older cousins, friends of my grandmother. I've had almost every dog I ever owned die when I was a child and my grandmother died when I was 12. My great uncle died when I was 15 or so and two of my good friends died earlier in the year. I think it's good to be aware of your mortality and aware that death isn't such a morbid thing. It's unhealthy fascination with death that makes you morbid.