"Trying to Prove Myself to my Friends?," Not Knowing What to Write, and Fear

I have to wonder if I talk about myself all the time because I am wanting to prove myself to my friends... I mean,... I honestly don't feel like I amount to much compared to them or in their eyes or both... I don't know... Maybe I talk about myself all the time because I don't want to be invisible... That really bothers me... I don't know why. Probably because since I was a little kid, the only sure thing that I knew my life would amount to was greatness. Not in the "hero of the day" or "NY Times Bestselling Author" or whatever kind of way. (Those would be nice, too, I'm sure.) But I knew, always, that I would make a difference or be doing something to change the world.

And right now, I'm not.

Heck. I don't even know what I want to do with my life after college. I don't even know 100% what I believe.

I just don't want to be forgotten... u.u

I've not had someone die around me... And I honestly think this affects how I view my mortality... I still have those teenage, naive instances where I'm invincible. But otherwise, I know I'm not going to last and that I could die at any time... But I also know my own thoughts. And after a time, pain fades and I barely remember what it was that made me hurt so badly....

And it's because of myself that I'm so scared to die without having done something great.

Superficial and pathetic, I know... But it's the truth. :/
========
Next part. I know I don't blog often. And when I do, it's like a burst fire from a gun. 3 or so shots at a time. I think I would blog more if I could remember what it was I wanted to write about 10 minutes, an hour, a day ago. But I get distracted by Facebook... >.>

Here's an example: today, I was driving to town and I got to thinking about when we took Kyle to school... Namely, I thought about my fear. Then, I thought about how I wanted to write about my fear (which I guess I can do in a third section). But originally, I thought I'd end up forgetting about what I wanted to say about fear and end up not posting anything about it.

Another example: this post that you're reading now? It's been a draft for a while. It was just a title and the first line that you read for this post. That's all it was for.... 2? weeks or so.

So you see. I need to learn to post less burst-fire, and more periodically. hahaha I'm sure you agree. :P
========
Fear. Fear is a white-hot, searing blindness of the mind. When you're terrified, you simply can't think of much else, if anything else, if at all. It's paralyzing and poisonous.

I wish I knew more about taking care of fear other than just "facing it." I wish I didn't have to deal with it...

I'm really just terrified of one thing. (I mean, I'm scared of other things, but I have a mind-blazing terror of this one thing.) Driving on the interstate. Except now it's gotten to the point where there have to be at least 2 factors to make that fear attack. It has to be 1) dark, 2) raining, 3) the driver of the vehicle I'm in is swerving (even slightly...), 4) there are massive downward slopes in the rain, 5) the speeds are above 75, 6) there's too much motion, i.e. there are a lot of bumps or the shocks suck, and 7) if there are semi-trucks/18-wheelers/Mack trucks/etc. around.

I'm sure there are a few more, but those are the main ones. If even 2 of those are together, I begin to just sit in absolute, high-strung horror. It's all thanks to my blow-out... Ever since that tire blew out (still not 100% sure what the cause of that happening was), I can't seem to enjoy driving as much. Of course, it's gotten better with more driving... But because I had totaled my Vibe along the way back to school after Christmas break, I had no access to a vehicle to drive on my own on the interstate and stuff. So my fear was allowed to fester quietly in the back of my mind until I would finally get to drive again and it would spring out in all its hideousness to attack my consciousness.

It hurts... Fear hurts. Apart from the physical exertion of it (racing heartbeat, high adrenaline, headaches from widely opened eyes and quick eye movements), it just hurts. A deep, psychological and emotional hurt.... A dull ache that makes you nauseous and fatigued, while also making your muscles quiver with the flight of the "flight or fight" response and your senses hyper-sensitive.

Fear tears you apart from the inside... And it's not a quick rending, either. It's a slow, agonizingly slow, deliberately slow, pulling apart... It's like a volcano building pressure until it pops. Except you don't "pop" as quickly as a volcano does. The fear just keeps building and building until your thoughts are whited-out with the fear, you whole body is responding only to the fear...

And you're supposed to face that fear to get it to go away... To repeat over and over whatever it was that first created the fear. Oi, oi...

However, I must admit. I'm making progress. I told myself I'd be all right driving on the interstate. I usually just think of the worst things that can happen. It's kinda a superstitious ritual that I need to end. *shrug* I'd like to think it's getting better. But now that I'm going back to school, I'll be back to being driven around everywhere. So I hope the fear doesn't come back in force, or redoubled+ force...

For my 48th Post... "Random List adjusted"

 I had to freaking mow today, too. I'm extraordinarily unhappy. My fingers are all sore, my palms are sore, and my arm hates me... But at least I get to do laundry finally. :)

*M

P.S. I'm going to try to do something special for my 50th post! xox

Random List and The Beautiful That Grace My Otherwise Pointless Blog :)

Well, I did at least one thing on my "Random List" from my last post. I washed the pillows and dried them. Well, mostly dried them. I'm currently re-washing them, seeing as the 50 cents I spent to have them fully dried only did about 66% of the work... >.> But oh well. Let's see if I did anything else...

 

All right, then. Looks like I have one thing done (I'm not counting 13, of course.) Umm... Yeah. I didn't clean out the fridge because my mum came out to the living room at that point and I didn't want to do something that I knew she thought she had convinced me to do. (I'm too proud and stubborn to do like I'm asked right away.) 

Oh. And I need to add a "17) Mow what's left of yard." I HATE mowing the yard. All caps!! And it's partially because my parents don't even do it at all, typically! My mum did the back today. But she complained of heat exhaustion... I don't think all of it was real. I think a lot of it had to be just because she didn't want to be out there, so her mind made her body think it was worse than it was. Because she'd do something like that. DJ says we're not having a yard when we're older. I agree for the most part. I want just enough that our house isn't on the street, but whatever there is, I'M NOT MOWING. I'll gladly help along another person's landscaping business. If they can do that job willingly, they're welcome to do so. I'll show them my respect by paying them for their bravery and choice to tend yards. I intend to put a colorful sign out in my yard to let people know who I'm trusting to tend it.

Anyway. I'm extraordinarily tired.... I'm glad that I don't have much longer until school. I'm very ready to go sleep in a bed. I guess technically I could sleep on my bed now. But I have to wash the sheets after the not-so-clean pillows have been on them. So I that almost defeats the purpose of clearing off my bed. >.> *sigh* I'm complaining a lot. I'm sorry. I've been grumpy lately. Between being a girl and a lack of sleep... Not that those are excuses. I should be able to keep my temper. However, they're explanations for the shorter-ness of my temper. :/

Well, good night, I guess. Thanks for reading. I can't imagine many of you care enough to want to read my ramblings, but if you do, it means a lot. It makes me feel like people besides my boyfriend (whom I love) and my family (whom I do not like) care. (This excludes friends because I do not see nor talk to many often enough. Partially my fault. But I will leave it at that.) So thank you again. You guys are beautiful to me in the kind of way that a bond between bloggers (posters and readers) can cause. Thus, I have named you all "The Beautiful." Thank you, beautiful people, for your kindness and thoughtfulness (and perseverance, of course) for reading whatever it is I tap out.

*M

Cross-eyed Can't Happen...

Okay. So I had an eye exam today so that we could get a new prescription of contacts and order me another half-year or year's worth of pairs. We went to a new eye doctor and they were extraordinarily nice, and the receptionist even laughed when I said ironic things and tried to be funny. (It's also nice to know I can make someone laugh on purpose instead of just being stupid and hoping I'm funny.)

Anyway... So we went through the procedure: paperwork, puff machine, "read the smallest line," "one or two... three or four...," and on. They did 2 things I really hate about seeing the eye doc. The puff machine and dilating of my pupils. x.x If you've had an eye exam, you probably know what I'm talking about. The one machine where you look at a green (that's what it's been for me all those times, at least) light and then wait with your eyelid flickering in anxious anticipation for the annoying puff of air. It doesn't hurt; it's just startling, and thus extraordinarily annoying. The dilation thing you probably also know if you've had at least one eye exam. They put some drops in your eyes, that dilate (or make larger) your pupil so that the doctor can see to the back of your eyes to make sure there's not anything like scars or something. There's honestly no problem with having your pupils dilated. It's just annoying. Like the puff machine.

I mean, I have an astigmatism in both my eyes. But it's a 3-step one in my left, meaning that I should have a certain kind of contact/glasses lens for my left eye while my right can have regular kinds. But because of my left eye's astigmatism, it can't focus on things close up. So I can't read text messages on my phone unless I hold my phone a foot and a half from my face. So again. Nothing painful (minus the headache I'm getting from increased light intake to my retina); it's just very annoying.

But my title? Because my eyes can't focus, I'm saying that I can't cross my eyes. I mean, if I hold my finger in front of my nose by 2 inches and it looks blurry but I know both my eyes are looking at my finger, I feel validated to say I can't cross my eyes. :P I know. I'm weird. (Maybe that's why I have such a small (but obviously wonderful! ^.^) audience. I scare people away. So thank you for not letting me scare you away.)

My headache is making me feel a little loopy. >.>

So I have.... about..... 2 days until I am back in Martin. 3 until I actually move into my dorm room. I'm really, really excited. But I'm also beginning to feel the crunch from not being 100% ready... Oi... I suck at time management... I have a number of things to do.

And I know those are a bunch of little things. But it's still a lot. Thus, I say, "Thundercats! Ho!!" Okay. That had nothing to do with it, whatsoever... Eh... whatever.

*M

About Me

All right. So I have this massive message typed out in my "About me" space. I'm proud of what I wrote, but I'm bored of it. Plus, it's a million miles long and I doubt newcomers care enough to read that much! haha! (I completely understand!)

So! I am posting it here because, at least, here, it will still exist, even if I've deleted it from other places, too. And it's pretty much a forever testament about myself, no matter how many years have passed. That oughta count for earning its keep somehow, right? :) Anyway. Here's my "about me" section.

Over the past six years, life has been a rather crazy coaster. Over the past four years, I have become less shy; much more self-confident; maybe even a little more proud of who I am (self-esteem); I have fallen in love, and out of love; gained maturity, rejected maturity; I have grown closer to God and then completely lost sight of Him so that I felt like an atheist; I have gained friends, lost friends, and regained some that I've lost; I've seen who I can be at my worst, what my potential for my best is, and I know that I don't ever have to be in either place alone (and am not!); I have felt so alone that death seemed the only way out, and then felt so loved that life seemed the only thing that mattered; I have felt utter hopelessness, complete vulnerability, absolute destitution; I have felt happiness beyond words, extraordinarily bursting with love, so enriched with hope that nothing seemed to bring me down; I have been across the globe without ever leaving my bedroom, and I have been no further than my own predicament in the same place; I have been me and I have been a shadow of someone or many someones; but through it all, I know who I am and I continue to find it out the more I grow, the more I learn, and the more I mature.

Konbannwa (Gah, My Roomaji spelling is dying... x.x)

Okay. So I pretty much failed at trying to spell "good evening" in roomaji of the Japanese language.... EDIT: It's "konbanwa." NOT good... Especially since I have my third semester of Japanese coming up and I....don't really remember a whole lot from my last 2 semesters. (The second one kinda went in one ear and out the other due to my mind being wrapped up in a major amount of unnecessary drama...) Sooo... I'm not looking forward to that because I truly respect my sensei and I think she is one of the best professors ever (right up there with Mrs. Peters). But by not remembering anything from the language that I'm going to be MINORING in, I feel like I've let her down. And I have (even if she doesn't know it yet) because you know why? I haven't been STUDYING! Oh my goodness, I'm a moron... But instead of, you know, actually getting up and at least trying to refresh my memory, I'm sitting here blogging (not too bad), reading (also not bad since I have to finish a fifth of this book and an entire other one after that by the 25th), watching TV (HORRIBLE on my part), and a number of other things that range from "necessary" to "understandable though not necessarily immediate" to "why the HECK did I just waste my time with that?" Peachy, eh?

Anyway. Apart from yet another problem I've caused myself (what can I say? I love a little challenge... *sarcasm*), I'm really getting extremely excited for school. It's only 6 days until noon on Friday. (That's the time and day I put down for when I'll be going with DJ to Martin. See: he has no idea what the plan is except that they're leaving Friday. So that means I have no idea what the plan is, which is a problem since it's not like I can just stay the night over there and have them wake me up an hour before we go so I can get ready. x.x) But I was hanging out with DJ this past evening, and since my brother had gone to the first football game of his last year in high school, my 'rents went out for the night. They must truly love me since they picked up a printer AND a lamp that I was needing for my dorm. At no cost to me? Possibly, which adds even more to the whole "gift" thing. (I'm grateful!! Don't get me wrong! I just hate being dependent upon my parents as a jobless 19 year old...) That was exciting for me, though.

One more thing before I go to bed: I recently put up a post (Beautiful reader: "Umm... you mean this last one? Well, duh, then..."  Crazed M: "Shush... None of your sass." :P ) mentioning that I'm thinking of starting an advice column blog. (A blog-umn! (I really have no idea why I like that fake word... >.<)) I have gotten a few (and highly appreciated!!!) responses saying that I should. ♥mily added some good advice about frequency of posts, which I will no doubt take to heart. I'm still looking for some more responses, just in case there is a good, sound argument stating in terms I cannot avoid or dismiss why I shouldn't. I mean, I could come up with the argument on my own, I'm sure. But I think my more hopeful side would add a little too much bias. (Sh, sh... It's okay, Negative-side. Her words can't hurt you.)*

Anywho. I guess that's it for now. I shall now relieve you of the insanity. (Hey wait! You're the one that kept reading... >.>) Off to bed (or in my current instance, "COUCH") I go for some light sleeping. :P Sweet dreams (or day dreams for those of you diurnal persons)!

A bow to the Beautiful as I say good night. ^.^

*M

*I have officially gone off the deep-end on too little sleep. >.>

Umm... Advice Blog-umn? (Get It? "Blog-umn = Blog+Column?")

So, Beautiful... I've been umm... toying with this idea.... Maybe I've not been considering it as honestly and fully as I should... And this close to school where I may not have time? It might end up crashing and burning... But... Well, I'll tell you my idea first.

What do you think of me starting an advice column/blog thing? (The title gave it away, I bet.)

However, I'm being sincere in my inquiry... :/

I'm really nervous about the idea: afraid no one will take it seriously, afraid no one will read it, afraid no one will send in requests (that'd be the biggest problem!), afraid that I'll give someone the wrong advice.

I am not looking to take on problems of the world or politics or something. Just... well, I don't know. Relationship stuff or school stuff or just stuff like "My day sucks. Any thoughts?" type stuff.

I know you're probably thinking "The best thing is to just try it and see where it leads." I agree. Or at least, I can see where you'd be coming from.

Yet, that's where YOU beautiful readers come in: you could be my first takers.

Actually, there's a number of things that I'd need help with. Like: should it be weekly, bi-weekly, bi-weekly as in twice a week (the previous being once every other week), what should it be called, would I do different categories at different times (alternating between relationship and another topic or just doing one topic or what?), sending me questions about things, and I'm sure a few other things.

So the success of this little....endeavor of mine rests on the shoulders of such lovely people as yourselves. I guess there's some things I'm asking, then.

1) Should I do this?

2) Would you guys send in questions?

3) Would you read what I have to write about above-mentioned questions?

And 4) what would you suggest for the other questions (weekly, name, categories,...)?

I know. I'm probably adding more stress to my own shoulders when I should be focusing on school. In my defense, though, if I can make this work? It'll be something that I can put on my resume alongside my B.A. in English. It'll be experience (though not necessarily published) that I can say I have, if I can get a large enough following and enough interest in this idea.

So what do you guys, beautiful as you all are!, say? :D Just leave comments. They'd be GREATLY appreciated!

Have a beautiful day!

*M

Random (and Maybe Awkward)

Hello, Beautiful people!

So a slight thing. I feel like I'm an insane blogger. Haha. I'm not periodical and the way I write jumps around. :P

Actually, it's coming to my attention that I probably truly am insane. >:D I mean, I mumble to myself and argue with myself and talk to myself, essentially. Also, I was (am?) convinced I wasn't (am not?) insane (which is usually a sign that one is insane). ;) hahaha!! And I could probably make a psycho-therapist question if I'm bi-polar. Plus, I psycho-analyze myself. *slight pause* ....... >.> Odd. I know. :P

The best part? I find it exciting! ^.^ heeheehee!! But the gynecologist? She prescribed Zoloft... >.> I say, "Whyyyy?" o.n It's supposed to be for the crazy PMSing I have. (That's when the psychologist questions if I'm bi-polar. heh) Sooooo.... I might be taking that medicine that is advertised by that cute little depressed blob while I'm at school. To wonder what will happen... hahaha

Ooh, ooh!! I found a picture on Google Images that I might have to start posting when/if I take the Zoloft (since I actually got the prescription filled (though by accident) today).

Bahahahaha!! It'll be awesome! XD

So Anberlin posted a chance to download another of their songs off their latest album Dark is the Way, Light is a Place called "Pray Tell." That was great! I listened to it (though in passing) and it's really awesome!! I get more and more excited about this album! Totally stoked!!!!

Okay. My mind is really scattered as of late. It might have something to do with the fact that I'm still sleeping on the couch. (That makes it.....what? 2 and a half weeks since I started sleeping here? So I'm not getting a lot of sleep lately. You know, I hear lack of sleep causes insanity to ensue. Hmmmm.... Coincidence? I think NOT! Hrm hrm... Yes. Quite. :P Anyway. So my mind is scatterbrained...

Like..... my gynecologist appointment last Tuesday? Yeah. That's when she prescribed the happy pills. :) Also! I got a test done and let me tell you: it sucks to be a girl. Don't get me wrong, there's no sex change in my future. I like being a girl. But sometimes? It REALLY sucks. x.x Anyway. Moving on. Sorry guys. Heh. But yeah. I had to get blood work done which I had done this past Monday. I had to fast for 8 hours before they drew my blood. I didn't eat for 14 or so. haha. Sonic, for the win. ;D But then I had a follow up gynecologist appointment this latest Tuesday and she prescribed me another thing: Yaz. Now, I've heard some stories about it, and I've seen those STUPID lawyer commercials about it, so I'm a little nervous. But eh... if all these female things get leveled out, I'm willing to take the chance for now. :P This semester of school'll be interesting with all these drugs! o.o ("All" as if I'm taking so many. *eyeroll*)

Anywho. Well, I have about 7 days. The plan for next Friday (not tomorrow Friday) is that I'll be riding with DJ to Martin, so that I can help him and his parents get him moved into his apartment room. I'm stoked! And then my parents are coming along later in the day with the Hoss loaded down with all my stuff so that I can move in Saturday. (My parents and I are staying at a motel Friday night.) I canNOT wait!!! DJ's gonna be busy all weekend with FYI (First Year Initiative), a thing for freshmen (who took the necessary class) to help get acclimated to the environment of college and particularly UTM. But that's okay. I'll get to hang out with Sally (once she moves in) which'll be great! :D

Oh my GOODNESS I'm so excited for next week!!!!!

Oh, oh! And? I working on getting a little prepared for college. I did a load of laundry (doing the rest next week) to start packing my stuff for school. It's kinda nerve-wracking because last year? I packed to be gone. I wanted nothing of my stuff left at my house (which was impossible anyway but I still tried...). So I had packed all the clothes I'd need for fall, winter, and spring. Not the best strategy when you only have so much luggage and dorm space. But this Saturday, I'm going with Ms. Sindy and my mum (and I'm not sure who else) to buy a microwave (almost an absolute necessary), a printer (ultimately easier if not cheaper, though I'd like it to be able to last me the next 4 or more years), and a shelf to put my wonderful (and STILL living) aloe vera plant on! Oh! And maybe some jeans! Hopefully, some jeans... So that'll be nice.

Well, umm.... I have no idea what else to type about. Umm... Yeah. This post is really long anyway. Sorry guys. >.> Thanks for sticking with my rambling!

Toodles, Beautiful!

*M

I've Seen 82 out of 239 Films (Bahaha!)

NOTE: I was reading one of the older posts of Into Geek, a blog by Daniel, and I just had to copy and paste this thing to see whether I have a life or not. :P Apparently, I am extraordinarily close to NOT having a life. hahahahaha!!!

 

SUPPOSEDLY if you've seen over 85 films, you have no life. Mark the ones you've seen. There are 239 films on this list. Copy this list, go to your own facebook account, paste this as a note. Then, put x's next to the films you've seen, add them up, change the header adding your number, and click post at the bottom. Have fun.

(X) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(X) Grease
(X) Pirates of the Caribbean
(X) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
() Boondock Saints
() Fight Club
() Starsky and Hutch
(X) Neverending Story
() Blazing Saddles
() Airplane

Total: 4

(X) The Princess Bride
() AnchorMan
(X) Napoleon Dynamite
() Labyrinth
(X) Saw
(X) Saw II
() White Noise
( ) White Oleander
() Anger Management
() 50 First Dates
(X) The Princess Diaries
(X) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement

Total so far: 10

() Scream
() Scream 2
() Scream 3
() Scary Movie
() Scary Movie 2
() Scary Movie 3
() Scary Movie 4
() American Pie
() American Pie 2
() American Wedding
() American Pie Band Camp

Total so far: 10

(x) Harry Potter 1
(x) Harry Potter 2
(x) Harry Potter 3
(X) Harry Potter 4
(X) Resident Evil 1
(X) Resident Evil 2
() The Wedding Singer
( ) Little Black Book
(X) The Village
(X) Lilo & Stitch

Total so far: 18

(X) Finding Nemo
(X) Finding Neverland
(X) Signs
(X) The Grinch
() Texas Chainsaw Massacre
() Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
() White Chicks
() Butterfly Effect
(X) 13 Going on 30
(X) I, Robot
(x) Robots

Total so far: 25

(X) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
() Universal Soldier
(X) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
() Along Came Polly
() Deep Impact
() KingPin
(X) Never Been Kissed
() Meet The Parents
() Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
( ) Joe Dirt
() KING KONG - only the original

Total so far: 28

(X) A Cinderella Story
() The Terminal
(X) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
() Passport to Paris
() Dumb & Dumber
() Dumber & Dumberer
() Final Destination
() Final Destination 2
() Final Destination 3
(X) Halloween
(X) The Ring
(X) The Ring 2
() Surviving X-MAS
(X) Flubber

Total so far: 34

() Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
() Practical Magic
() Chicago
() Ghost Ship
() From Hell
(X) Hellboy
() Secret Window
() I Am Sam
() The Whole Nine Yards
() The Whole Ten Yards

Total so far: 35

() The Day After Tomorrow
() Child's Play
( ) Seed of Chucky
() Bride of Chucky
() Ten Things I Hate About You
() Just Married
() Gothika
() Nightmare on Elm Street
( ) Sixteen Candles
(X) Remember the Titans
() Coach Carter
(X) The Grudge
() The Grudge 2
() The Mask
() Son Of The Mask

Total so far: 37

() Bad Boys
() Bad Boys 2
() Joy Ride
() Lucky Number Slevin
() Ocean's Eleven
() Ocean's Twelve
() Bourne Identity
() Bourne Supremecy
( ) Lone Star
() Bedazzled
() Predator I
() Predator II
(X) The Fog
(X) Ice Age
(x) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
() Curious George

Total so far: 46

(X) Independence Day
( ) Cujo
( ) A Bronx Tale
() Darkness Falls
( ) Christine
(X) ET
( ) Children of the Corn
( ) My Bosses Daughter
(X) Maid in Manhattan
(X) War of the Worlds
(X) Rush Hour
(X) Rush Hour 2

Total so far: 46

( ) Best Bet
(X) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
() She's All That
() Calendar Girls
() Sideways
(X) Mars Attacks
() Event Horizon
(X) Ever After
(X) Wizard of Oz
() Forrest Gump
() Big Trouble in Little China
() The Terminator
() The Terminator 2
() The Terminator 3

Total so far: 50

(X) X-Men
(X) X-2
(X) X-3
(x) Spider-Man
(x) Spider-Man 2
(X) Sky High
() Jeepers Creepers
() Jeepers Creepers 2
() Catch Me If You Can
(x) The Little Mermaid
(X) Freaky Friday
() Reign of Fire
() The Skulls
() Cruel Intentions
() Cruel Intentions 2
( ) The Hot Chick
(x) Shrek
(x) Shrek 2

Total so far: 60

() Swimfan
() Miracle on 34th street - only the original
() Old School
() The Notebook
() K-Pax
( ) Krippendorf's Tribe
(X) A Walk to Remember
( ) Ice Castles
() Boogeyman
() The 40-year-old Virgin

Total so far: 61

(X) Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring
(X) Lord of the Rings The Two Towers
(X) Lord of the Rings Return Of the King
(X) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(X) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(X) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Total so far: 67

() Baseketball
() Hostel
( ) Waiting for Guffman
(X) House of 1000 Corpses
(X) Devils Rejects
(X) Elf
() Highlander
() Mothman Prophecies
() American History X
( ) Three

Total so Far: 70

( ) The Jacket
() Kung Fu Hustle
( ) Shaolin Soccer
( ) Night Watch
(x) Monsters Inc.
(X) Titanic
(X) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
(X) Shaun Of the Dead
() Willard

Total so far: 74

( ) High Tension
( ) Club Dread
() Hulk
() Dawn Of the Dead
(X) Hook
(x) Chronicles Of Narnia The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
() 28 days later
() Orgazmo
( ) Phantasm
() Waterworld

Total so far: 76

() Kill Bill vol 1
() Kill Bill vol 2
() Mortal Kombat
() Wolf Creek
() Kingdom of Heaven
() the Hills Have Eyes
( ) I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman
( ) The Last House on the Left
( ) Re-Animator
() Army of Darkness

Total so far: 76

(X) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
(X) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
(X) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(X) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(X) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(X) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
( ) Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
() Ewoks The Battle For Endor

Total so far: 82

() The Matrix
() The Matrix Reloaded
() The Matrix Revolutions
(X) Animatrix
() Evil Dead
() Evil Dead 2
() Team America: World Police
() Red Dragon
() Silence of the Lambs
() Hannibal

Total so far: 83

Now Add them up and...

Put "I've seen ... out of 239 films" in the subject line and repost it

Well!

Salutations, beautiful!

Just gotta say that yesterday went perfectly fine. We made it back whole and alive! :D Kyle got situated into the dorm pretty well. His roommate never came while we were there. So Kyle might get a room to himself.

I wish my school provided a fridge and microwave like his does.... >.> And a dresser. That would completely cut back on what I need to buy/take. But whatever. I love my school. Mine is like... 2/5 the size of his. Which suits me absolutely fine. I can run into professors I had my first semester and they'll still greet me as if I'm in their class because they recognize me! XD It's awesome.

But there were SOOOOO many cars yesterday... x.x And I hate city driving. I will never, ever change my mind about that. But now I REALLY, REALLY canNOT wait for my school to start! I want to be moving into my dorm again!

The drive was treacherous, though... Ms. Sindy (I love her like my mum, don't get me wrong) couldn't keep the van straight... It's not her fault. Our van's wheel alignment is off, so she'd adjust but then over-adjust at times... Since my tire blowout....I've been a terrified idiot whenever I go on the interstate. It's horrible. And the drive BACK was WORSE! Massive hills (so really steep declines of road), rain, darkness, and the stupid wheel alignment problem. All of that was causing me to be tense and freaking out... :(

At the end of the time at Kyle's school, Ms. Sindy, Em, and Kyle's girlfriend were all crying... I felt bad for not crying... But... I think part of it has to do with the fact that I didn't even cry about leaving MY family.... So...it was kinda a "I did this and I understand what all of this is like" type thing. If that makes sense?

Well, I'm kinda scatterbrained. I just wanted to give an update about taking Kyle to school. Oh. And one more thing, I stayed with Em since she's had a rough past couple of days... Not only did her brother go to college, but she didn't have a fantastic first day of school among other things. So we watched Titanic (her somewhat 2nd favorite movie (her 1st being Toy Story 3 barely leading)) while eating theatre butter popcorn, colored in her Toy Story coloring book, and then talked about her past days. It was fun. I didn't realize Titanic was actually pretty good (that had been the first time I'd ever seen it). And it was good to hang out with her since she's kinda like a younger sister, and since I go to school soon, too, it was good to get some more hang time together. ^.^

Well, I gotta go do chores. Catch you beautiful people later! ;)

*M

EDIT - 9:00PM Aug. 15, 2010: I just remembered I was gonna tell you guys about the Hoss. My dad fixed it. "'Fixed' it" is a better way to put it... hahaha! He took one of those thick plastic folders, traced the shape of the brake-light cavity in the tail light, then used clear packing tape to attach the folder and cover the blinker-light cavity in the tail light. I gotta say: I love my dad. He's hilarious, and that humor bleeds into his other traits: such as his resourcefulness. hahaha! So now, anyone who needs to drive the van is no longer in danger of getting a ticket. :) As for the insurance? I have no idea... We (that is, whoever drives the Hoss) may still be in danger of getting our licenses suspended for a year... -.- And you know what? It's partially the stupid insurance company's fault. They still haven't sent us a proper form of proof of insurance to us... Know what that means? We play it dangerous and just make sure we don't get pulled over! hahahaha!! Anyway. Just wanted to add what I'd forgotten. :3

Oh What a Night...

Hey, guys. This is gonna be a short post. I just have to complain/rant about my night...

Okay. First off, tomorrow, I am going with my family friends to take their next college kid to, well, college. I'm helping him move in, along with his mum, girlfriend, and sister. It's a 3 hour drive, and we're leaving at 8:30AM. (I should be sleeping since I'm gonna be driving.... but whatever.)

Anyway. Well, my family went with Ms. Sindy to eat at Logan's for dinner. We had taken both our Hoss (Dodge minivan) and the Impala to their house to pick Ms. Sindy up. We took the Impala to go to Logan's. (I'm staying at their house for the night since we're all leaving so early...) Well, Mitch noticed that the right tail light on the Hoss is missing. Not chipped with chunks of red plastic still there. Just gone. Like it was stolen or popped off. We go to Logan's not thinking about it. Well, then Mitch and I had to go vacuum the Hoss when we all finished eating at Logan's. That was fine. It only took $2 and about 10-20 minutes of work. However, next I had to take Mitch home, grab my stuff for the night, and then drive back to Ms. Sindy's so we could load Kyle (the college kid)'s stuff into the Hoss.

NOT!

What happens? As Mitch and I are driving home, blue lights start flashing in my rearview mirror. -.- It's a cop. Why was he pulling me over? The freaking tail light!! Ugh... I mean, it's not like it was my fault, and there certainly wasn't anything I was going to be able to do about it! But by some TN statute (as stated by the kind cop), we must have a cover any light. (I asked (because I was curious) if it had to do with blinding people on accident. He said he didn't know and that's when he quoted the statute thing...) Anyway. That particular cop now knows that I don't have a gun permit among whatever else dispatch said, and he also said that I could get my license suspended for a YEAR because of the insurance in the van. (It's only the temporary card because my parents have kept forgetting to put the real proof of insurance in the glovebox... -.-)

Gah... I'm very unhappy.... Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. (Minus, the fact that I'm still freaking terrified about my blow out and driving on the interstate and whatnot....) Oh. And it's gonna be over 100 degrees. But other than that, I hope it'll be lots better than tonight.

Thanks for reading my rant. Sorry if I sound whiny.. (I am kinda whining...) Night!

*M

School Prep.

I have only 2 weeks until I finally move out!! (Shh... Don't tell my mum I'm so excited!) But I also realized how much I have to get done... x.x

1. Finish the mattress for my loft. (Which is painful because my mum and I are doing all this sewing by hand, using 2 2" thick pieces of foam, lots of batting, and eventually canvas for the cover. I had 10 pin holes in my fingers due to trying to attach the batting to the foam with one of those wicked-looking, curved needles.)

2. Clean my room so I have somewhere to pack and whatever else.

3. Make a list of all that I need to pack.

4. Pack all that is on my list. Do laundry.

5. Pack all that is on my list.

6. Unpack to make sure I didn't miss anything when my mum inevitably starts naming things to bring which I will not remember if it's in the luggage (or how much of it if I do remember it's in my luggage).

7. Try to put back exactly as I had it all what I'd just pulled out....

8. Transfer all of my game info from my brother's Xbox to DJ's Xbox (so I don't have to redo all of my games...)

9. Buy a cupcake for Sally as a surprise (since she loves cupcakes!). (This will be done the day before or day of heading to Martin.)

10. Make sure the van is cleaned out so that I can take put all of my packed things in the van.

11. Go over all the things I'd need 2 or 3 more times to make sure I didn't miss or forget anything.

12. Cram all my stuff into the van.

Hmmmm... Did I miss anything? Possibly. But I realize that's probably not really a lot. But it's one of those things where it seems like a lot. *shrug*

I'm freaking psyched, regardless!! ^-^ I actually met Sally face-to-face. She's wonderful! (Wanna hear/read a secret? I honestly never thought I'd ever meet someone named Sally. hahaha) She and I are almost completely opposite. She's wholly girly-girl who hangs with mostly guys. I'm a slight tomboy who hangs with mostly guys. She's extraordinarily fit and skinny and drop-dead gorgeous. I'm not fit and not really skinny and just kinda pretty. She was a high school cheerleader and did beauty pageants. I was in marching band (big mistake, though) and didn't really do anything.

hahahahaha!!!

I love it!! I mean... I was one of those kids that HATED the cheerleaders, the athletes, the "popular" kids. (And sadly, those feelings are residual in my second year of college... Horrible, I know... u.u) But I'm looking so very forward to getting to know her more. I never really took the time to get to know any of those kids... And I'm okay with that, considering the kinds of people I went to school with. However, I don't think that the generalization should have kept me from trying to get to know some of them... :/

Anyway. I'm looking for this to be an amazing experience. :) I just hope I don't scare her off of being a friend of mine.... :(

Well, I guess I'll stop babbling. Talk to you guys later! Thanks for following me! It makes me feel important to more than my bubble of the world! Thank you very much! ;D

*M

Oh Brother...

 

Well... I have a fascinating week planned.

Okay. Fascinating is more an ironical term for just today. The rest of the week isn't so bad.

Today, I go see a gynecologist. (I definitely didn't spell that right the first time. Thank you, Spellchecker!!) I'm uh... absolutely NOT looking forward to it... but what female would look forward to her first gynecologist check up? Anyway. I don't think anything's wrong, but that's what check-ups are for, I guess. So we'll see. Maybe I can get my hormones figured out and not be such a bi-polar psycho (unofficially). :D And I'll get to see DJ afterward. So that's always a plus. :)

Well, tomorrow, Mum and I are going to Martin so look for job openings for me, see if I can get myself a position at the library or the local Snappy Tomato, pick up applications for places. Something. I just REALLY need a job. And I mean REALLY! I am flat broke except for whatever money my parents put in my account to keep me from overdrafting... x.x I was extraordinarily unsuccessful at ensuring a job this past summer... So now, on top of my 17 hours of classes and 34 hours of studying (suggested amount), I have to get a job... :/ Don't take this the wrong way. I'm not complaining so much as I am worrying. See. I know that it can be done, juggling a job, school, the beloved, and whatever else Life throws at a person. However, all those people that have done it before me, are NOT me... I am not a studier... I enjoy hanging with people more than doing schoolwork which is bad when it comes to school... And I have a bad time of keeping priorities straight in a moment... So I'm extraordinarily worried that I'm going to have a terrible GPA or something... X.X God save me, I might not die... >.>

(Off to my appointment!!)

*THE NEXT DAY!!*

Okay. It's now 11:19PM on Wednesday, and I started this post Tuesday at 2:00PM. Back to talking about my week.

So today, the reason I haven't had a chance to get back to it yet was because I was in Martin all day with my mum. Actually! I got to meet my amazing roommate face-to-face!! We (my mum, her mum, Sally, and myself) all had lunch at a place called Perkins! It was awesome! We spent almost 2 hours there just talking! It was fantastic!!!! Anyway. Mum and I had gone to Martin so that I could look for a job. Surprise, surprise: no luck...  Story of my life when it comes to jobs for whatever reason.... -.- But yeah. I'm pretty tired from the whole day: emotional and physically draining. The 3 hour drive there and then driving 3 hours back...

So yesterday was kinda a drag, though... (Yesterday as in Tuesday.) Because I had that gynecologist appointment (which wasn't AS bad as I thought), and then I went to hang with DJ. But Scott and Ryan were there, too... Not that I'd typically mind. I just was wanting to be with DJ, hanging by ourselves... I was in another of those anti-social moods... :/

But tomorrow, DJ and I are gonna hang out. Just him and me and a movie. And popcorn. :) I'm looking forward to it. We haven't had a chance to just chill the two of us for a while... So, tomorrow is gonna be good. We can talk or just sit and watch the movie or play ZombieRun on DJ's new phone. XD

Then Friday, umm.... Not sure about that one.... Forgot what I have planned... Ummmmmmmm....... Grr...

 

But Saturday, I'm going with our family friends to help move the newest college kid into his dorm. haha! A 3 and a half hour drive. That'll be fun. :D Leaving at 8:30 in the morning to help him get situated while hanging with my "extended family." ^_^ Awesome!!

So that's my week thus far! I should probably go to bed. (It's Thursday, now that I'm about to post this... >.>) But yeah. Good night, guys!!!

*M

School Soon

So I have only about 3 weeks til school starts. For some reason, the closer it gets, the more nervous I get.... I don't know why...

It's probably because I'm worried about the classes and having to go through the whole making friends again process and stuff... I'm not sure...

I had a nightmare that I was moving into my dorm for this year. But the day I was moving in, I had all my classes. So I was having to unpack and situate myself while watching the time and making sure I didn't miss class.

I was headed to my first class of the day when I was attacked or I saw a guy getting attacked and ended up running to the police station with the guy to report what happened. I missed class: 3 actually, of the four for that day.

But DJ had seen me with the guy and for some reason got really pissed off and wouldn't let me explain... He thought I'd put myself into another situation that could warrant me getting hurt. (Which I guess I had, but he had thought the guy was gonna try and hurt me...)

So I ended up missing my 4th class, too, because I was so worried about trying to get DJ's attention so that I could explain before class.

I woke up freaking out, thinking that it had been real. But then I realized it was a dream, so I started freaking out that that would actually become real.

Now, I move in the 28th, the third Saturday from now. My classes start on Monday. hahaha! So obviously, my dream can't come true.

But I'm still nervous about sleeping in late. For my 10:00 class? Yeah... I know...

I guess you can tell: I'm an excessive worrier... *sigh*

But it's not even just those kinds of things that are bothering me... It's the courses I chose to take...

2 honors courses (Brit. Lit. Honors and Development of World Civilization Honors); Intermediate Japanese (and I don't remember anything from the last 2 semesters... u.u); and 2 philosophy courses (one is a Junior level course (PHIL314) and the other the professor gives a lot of homework...)

So as you can see I don't have any "balancing" courses. (Balancing courses are courses that are technically "easy As" so that your GPA can stay up even if you don't do as well in the other courses.) I don't have good study habits... I'm worried I won't do well.

However!! I will take heart. Since I am so worried that I will, maybe I will be so determined that I won't. XD

Anyway. Thanks guys for all the support you've given me with your commenting and reading!!!! It means a lot!!!!

*M

Invisibility is My *Not*-So-Superpower

I have a real problem with being ignored... It's just a major fact...

And when I feel like I'm being ignored, I get angry, depressed, and confused.

Anger: how dare they ignore me?

Depressed: I'm ignorable...

Confused: why are they ignoring me?

I feel invisible...

It happens a lot... I'll say something, and then someone will say the exact same thing, but the second person gets the credit because they were actually heard. I don't know... Others and I myself have speculated that my voice pitch is probably just in that range where most people can't hear as easily. (Which I find odd because to me, I sound deep-ish for a girl, while at other times, I'm high-pitched...)

I'm constantly repeating myself... I have a short-temper. So then, when I'm having to say the same thing over 3 times, I get irritated and end up shouting the last time... Horrible, I know....

I don't want to feel insignificant. I don't want to feel like I'm not worth people's time.

Maybe that's why I'm so jealous of my brother (shhh!). He's a socialite and has a bunch of friends. See. My dad used to have a competition between my brother and me to see who could have the most texts by the end of the month. My brother's been blowing me out of the water... x.x Like this month? I have a little over 3,000. My brother? Over 10,000. O.O

He has so many friends that he talks to. And he is always going to hang out with friends (not the same ones in a consecutive three days, too!) throughout the week.

I'm glad for my brother. I think that's awesome.

But I wish that I had been more outgoing when I was younger. I still have a chance, but that's not me. I'm not a group person.

Contradictions much? I know...

I just don't want to be invisible... (The funny thing? I used to want invisibility for a superpower, saying that'd be the best!!) At least with that as a superpower, I could control when I'm invisible, I can choose when I want to be ignored...

I don't know... And apparently? We as Christians are supposed to recognize that we're wholly insignificant. We amount to NOTHING. And while I've always heard that, I never actually took it to heart... It was just, "Yeah, God is the most significant." But because He was "most" significant, that left me room to be at least a little significant.

I'm not even allowed to think THAT!...

I don't know what to do. I don't want to have to feel worthless (despite what God says...). I just don't... I know God says I'm a child of His, so that'd make me automatically worth-full... But to have to think that I'm not allowed to accept that.

I'm so confused right now...

*M

Room Update

Lame? Why yes, I absolutely agree. hahaha! But I'm bored. :p And I have a LOVELY (note: sarcasm) picture... >.>

So, I have vacuumed my floor and adjusted where I placed all the items I have for school around. So now my floor looks awesome! But uh... The corner? Well, it's getting better... But here's a picture of BEFORE the bleach water spritz I'm applying to get rid of the nastiness... Anyway. Here's the picture:

GROOOOOOOOOOSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is my reaction for it even being there:

It's so disgusting... Why must it be there? (Wait. Don't answer that... >.>)

Anyhow. On to less disgusting matters, I have seen Predator (starring Arnold Schwarzenegger) for the first time in my life!! Not bad. :) Did you know they made the blood of the Predator from KY jelly and the insides of glow-sticks??? Talk about nasty, but inventive.

And?? My mum and I are finally finishing up the mattress for my loft! Awesome, no? :D But my fingers are so sore... x.x And I felt like Sleeping Beauty, pricking my finger so many times... >.< Oh well. It's a good home project. ^.^ (I love doing stuff like this.)

Well, I'm tired. Gonna read some more of my The Dresden Files book. :P Good night, beautiful readers!

*M

Just Sleeping...

Source: http://www.ticor.be/index.php?showimage=129

You know, I've not had a lot of experience with death. (And I apologize for the morbidity of the topic... But I was just contemplating...)

Anyway. I've really not. And I guess that's a blessing but to me it's not. Because I haven't really felt that affected... Or maybe it's just my mind putting up a barrier to the real pain. Except now there is no "real pain" because I never experienced it and have only ever known the barrier... Does that make sense?

I don't know... It's just... well, those that have died have not been close. For THAT I am VERY thankful. I break down crying, thinking what life without DJ would be like, he suddenly not being there...

But when I was younger, one of our cats ran away. She was deaf, so we obviously couldn't call her home. And I realize she didn't die in the sense that death is to us. I mean, she wasn't around for me to see pass away...

Then, my cousin died. But I wasn't all that close to my cousin because he wasn't "mentally whole" and was basically an infant trapped in a 19 year old's body. So when he died, I only felt a slight weight because of the pain of others. But I was uncomfortable with that and just wanted to run off so I didn't have to feel not only their pain but my guilt of not empathizing their pain...

 

My mum's mum died, too... Again... I wasn't all that close with my grandma... Living 2 states away for most of my life and 4 or 5 states away the rest of it, I never saw much of her, and I was too young (maturity-wise, if not in age) to take the idea that I should cherish age... So I wasn't very close to her, either, and thus was only suffering under my guilt of being unable to cry for my grandma...

Another pet died, too... Sunshine, our dog, had a massive tumor on one of her forelegs, and so we put her down so that she wouldn't have to suffer. But we weren't even there to be the ones to love her until the end... We had a pre-planned trip for my dad's mum's birthday or some other similar occasion... So when we got back, Sunshine was simply just gone.

 

Like my cat, Abby. Like my cousin, like my mum's mum...

There have been others who have passed on during my life, but none very close to me. I don't want that to change; I know it will, but I don't want to know that experience yet.

But all of my life, the deaths have happened away from me. In Tennessee when my grandma and cousin died; in Oklahoma when my dog died; in my house while Abby was out in the wilderness for only God knows how long when she died. My friend's mum was just gone; the boy my mum cared for at school was just gone; all...just gone... Like smoke in the wind. And I wasn't even there to watch it dissipate.

You probably think I'm insane.... As if I'm mourning the fact I've not been around death except for when the person simply seemed to be sleeping in a wooden, silk-lined box. I swear I'm not mourning... If nothing else, and I sound like a horrible person instead of an insane one now, I am.... confused? intrigued? whatever... about the fact that I have never experienced death first-hand, never been around for it to happen, to watch the life leave the loved one.

So weird to me...

God, I hope it doesn't happen to me any time soon... And all I can say is "I'm sorry" to those that it has happened to... I will gladly be here for someone if they need a shoulder, ear, arm, love, whatever. But I don't want to be able to empathize with them yet... Not yet...

Maybe the fact that this plagues me so much allows me to focus on just living and being with the person(s), breathing them in so that they're apart of me even if they're...just gone...the next day... Just like black brings out the white, so death brings out the life. Right?

Well, I'll stop with this stark and unhappy topic. I hope I have not made anyone hate me or think I'm a horrible person... I mean, it's probably true that I am, but... I like my ignorance... :/

*M

Misery Loves Company

About the revamping really quickly: I'll get to that when I can. :P

Anyway. I was just thinking... I actually was messaging one of "The Beautiful" (see right for explanation) and saying how I'm glad I have someone to relate to when she was saying that she understood my Just One of Those Days... u.u post.

It made me think: are we all sadistic to a degree? I guess it wouldn't surprise me. I mean, look at World War II, and I don't just mean the Holocaust... The whole thing was a time for sadistic fantasies to play out... Actually, war is in general. That's probably why psych-evals are needed for people going into government (among other reasons, I assume).

Anyway. It's just weird. I mean, I wasn't glad that this person was familiar with a similar, not-so-happy situation. But what else am I meaning when I say "I'm glad that I'm not the only one...?" (Which is a phrase I've used before, not really thinking...)

I don't know what a better way to put it would be. I guess... "Thank you." For understanding and offering me the solace that you understand. Right? Would that be acceptable?

Sorry. It's almost tomorrow of yesterday which would make it today, so I'm kinda tired since it's the early after late. Well, night! ;D

*M

Revamp: I can't... x.x

Wow. That almost rhymed....

But seriously. The point of this otherwise pointless post: I am tragically in need of a revamping of my blog. I mean, LOOK at it... It's all pink and purple and red. And don't get me wrong. I chose it. I chose it because I DO like it. But it's not me. And it's rather bland when you look at it.

SO! I need help from my 7 faithful (hopefully? :D) followers. I have read blogs like Ramblings of a Lonely Girl and Hyperbole and a Half and I can't help but feel....blah.

Okay. So I'm not taking it that personally.

I've just been inspired to change my blog. And this is my 31st post. So after 30 posts, doesn't that mean it's time for a makeover??

Right?
 (<--- Smiley)

So, I was hoping you guys could help me.  Because you guys are awesome.

And yeah. That's about it. I need tips, advice, hints, suggestions,.......someone to do it for me >.>

Anywho. THANKS!

*M