I am a failure as a teenager. I'm a failure as an adult. All day today and most of yesterday (I think; I don't remember what I did/didn't do yesterday... x.x) I have done nothing. I have sat on this couch, reading blogs, writing a little of my own, playing video games, and sleeping. Albeit, there wasn't much sleeping done, but still. I have lived on this d***ed couch for the past 2 or so days. It's bugging me.
Why?
Because I am nineteen! Nineteen!! I'm not doing anything with friends, I'm not working, I'm being lazy.
And it's one of those pissy days. I'm just pissed off for no reason at everything.
Like how I made my life turn out. (Yes, that's right. You read that correctly. I said "how I made *my* life turn out." (D*** you, Blogger... I want the f-ing "my" to be italicized and NOT next to the "I"!!) Gah... Sorry...) But I've been reading blogs (like I said before) and reading how these girls have friends they go hang out with often, and they have chats about boys or "that time of the month" or love or clothes or whatever, or they go spend the night and stay up all night chatting about aforementioned topics, or they go shopping together, or anything like that.
I don't do any of that. I don't have any female friends I've "clicked" with. I'm not saying they're not my friends, period. I'm just saying we haven't had that "connection." I don't have any of those "best gal pals" that I can chitter away with or go to concerts with or browse Ross with or whatever.
It's possibly my fault. I wouldn't be surprised. But it's just.... I feel like I have missed out on all of that because most of my friends are guys. And really, those friends are the mutual friends of my boyfriend and me, and I don't hang out with them unless my boyfriend is there.
So I'm left with few friends that I hang out with. I need to make more of an effort. But you know, I don't want to ALWAYS be the one to say, "Hey! Let's go hang." If they don't ever make the effort either, then obviously they don't want to hang with me...
I realize I'm throwing myself a "pity party," and I am. But I'm just so pissed that I want to cry and I need to complain even if no one really truly cares.
And apparently, I have no green thumb. I bought an aloe vera plant (spending about $20 for the whole affair) and it's dying. Ha! I mean, they're supposed to be easy to care for and I've already managed to almost kill it! Talk about a confidence booster. I can't even take care of a plant...
Geez I feel pathetic... And what makes all of this worse is that my life doesn't even suck. I just want it to have a reason to so that I can act like this. Talk about childish.
I need friends to be a girl with, not just be a tomboy dork/nerd with. I need a job so that I'm not a lump of useless whatever. And I need my thumbs to turn a brilliant shade of jade so that my aloe vera plant can actually grow.
Sorry guys...
*M
2 comments:
sorry you're having a crappy day. i can usually cure that feeling by making a ridiculously long list of things that i need to do and then doing one of them. then i feel like i did something even if the only thing that i crossed off of my list was "make to do list".
i began following you because you + i share many of the same qualities. you are so abysmal to me, and you have so much to think about and contribute (and you love anberlin!)
if i lived close to you, i would be your friend and browse Ross racks with you. haha
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